Episode 47: The Furies

 Woooo we made it to season three! I feel so accomplished. Let's do this thing! Oh, and we have commentary for this episode. This is going to be done by Rob Tapert and Liz Friedman. I find Tapert to be a little boring in commentaries just because he's not super personable, but I like Liz Friedman - she got her start as a producer/writer on Hercules and Xena and then went on to do cool stuff in other shows like Orange is the New Black and House and Jessica Jones. She also is an out lesbian and I feel like that gives us some spectacular subtext in any of her specific episodes so basically she's great!

We open on the Furies dancing all provocatively while Ares looks on and Liz rightfully says it's like a medieval strip club. It's definitely got that vibe.

Hahaha they are talking about how many push up bras they had to use throughout the series and it's in the thousands and I believe it! All these ladies boobs, while they look fantastic in the various costumes, definitely don't look natural. Uh oh, the Furies are cursing Xena with madness! We get some amazing comedy out of Lucy Lawless in this episode, I'm so excited!

I'm not really sure about all the plot because I'm both listening to the commentary and the dialogue, but here are some generic baddies to fight for some reason and can we just focus on how Xena holds her sword. So GAY.

Yay here comes crazy Xena! This is the most ridiculous fight scene, it is very Three Stooges which according to the commentary is what they were going for. Lawless does such a freaking fantastic job being crazy and silly. Look at her twirling her chakram like a toy and eating an apple impaled on a knife. What a goof!

She's also calling Gabrielle Mavis for some reason?? Which apparently Lucy came up with on her own out of the blue and everyone on set just rolled with it. Oh they are talking in the commentary about how a lot of people were confused by the show Xena because it was often both a comedy and a drama and a lot of things at the time were more either or. That's one of the things I love about this show, is that it has a great level of silliness and campiness but also wonderful character development and really touching moments.

Ok so a little plot here, Gabby obviously can tell something is up with Xena, but Xena being all nuts is refusing to go figure out what it is and poor Gabby is so fed up. It's great stuff.

Ru-roh, Xena woke up and got nekkid and is scaring the bejeezus out of some random townsfolk. I mean... I wouldn't mind but you know, that's me. Though I clearly share this thought with Liz Friedman who just said "Well these people are going to die but they've seen Xena naked so..." Exactly, I get you.

Luckily for this town, Gabrielle comes in and saves the day like she do. Poor Xena is getting worse and is starting to feel scared aww :( sad Xena. So they agree to go see the Furies and try and figure out what is going on. Xena finds out her dad was murdered and she has to avenge him or something? I don't really know I'm barely paying attention to the plot. Poor Xena is hallucinating and running through the woods seeing all her past enemies and mistakes Gabrielle for Callisto and ties her up! As Friedman says, fulfilling many people's fantasies hahaha oh Liz you know you've read some fanfiction I can tell.

Tapert, like all straight dudes, "never thought of it that way" - don't worry Rob it's okay. You can't help that you aren't a gay lady. I still like you, plus you know, you are married to Lucy Lawless so good on ya buddy - livin' the dream.

Yay Xena goes to see her momma! I like Momma Xena episodes. Gabby's make up is really weird in this scene, I don't know why. Like it's too dark or something? Anyway, apparently this was a tough episode to shoot and they had to reshoot lots of things because the star and the director didn't get along... hmmmmm iiiiiinteresting. I don't remember who directed this episode, I'm going to check. Ok, Gilbert Shilton...? I have no idea who that is. Looking at IMDB he hasn't done much and what he has done doesn't look great so. Guess that answers that!

Ok ok so some plot things... sounds like Xena finds out that her mom killed her dad? Well that's not going to go well. I like the evolution of her crazy hair as she falls deeper into the Furies madness.

Xena has gotten to the point of wanting to kill herself to try and save everyone from her crazy. But REALLY she is being sneaky, even in her madness, and luring Ares to her since all of this is his fault anyway and on some level she knows this. And she knows that Ares doesn't want her to kill herself, so that's what she threatens to get him out in the open. Look at Kevin Smith's fab hair! In the commentary they are talking about how he was starting to grow it out and was very proud of it. Aw, we miss you bud.

So through some great subtle manipulation the plot moves on. Xena convincing Ares that he has convinced her that she has to kill her mom in front of the Furies. Whew! So many layers. As Friedman says, "that was just Xena playing Ares like a fiddle". Yuuuuuup.

Gabrielle is visiting an insane asylum for some reason? I don't know, probably trying to get some info that will help Xena later on. Anyway, we are at the climactic scene here in the Temple of the Furies where Xena is supposedly going to kill her mom. A little gratuitous Furies snap shot for us all.

I like those outfits, I want one. Gabrielle arrives at the Temple to try and stop Xena and Ares grabs her by the hair and puts his hand over her mouth! Rude!! It's okay though, Xena is in control here even though she is crazy, she always is one step ahead of Ares. Ok, she's a lot of steps ahead of Ares, let's be real.

This fight scene between Ares and Xena is fun, they have to fight without touching the floor for some weird reason, but it's great. Quality stuff ya'll.

Xena wins, of curse she does, and her victory dance is the best thing EVER. If you don't remember it, do yourself a favor and look up a gif of it or something, it's lovely.

Yay the Furies take the madness off her and she's back to normal! Glad to have you back Xena. Her hair is back to normal now too. She has a heart to heart with her mom and sets up camp with Gabby and everything is good in Xena-land.

*Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own lap-dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.*

Episode 46: A Comedy of Eros

Two recaps in one night!? I'm on a rolllll. I haven't finished my soup yet so might as well do another while I finish up. It's kind of a disappointing soup though and really I wish I had a grilled cheese sandwich right now instead SIGH oh well.

I feel like.... I like this episode. It already has Cupid, who I love, so that's a great start. And look he has a kid! I'm pretty sure that kid is gonna get up to some shenanigans.

Yep! Shenanigans! Cupid Jr steals some bow and arrows and it is SO CUTE this child actor is clearly having an amazing time flying around I love it.

Oooo it's a Hestian virgins episode! Hahaha yes I feel like this is a great episode. Gabby's all "being chaste would be real hard" wink wink. Then they both wander along talking about love and why Gabby likes it and Xena doesn't meanwhile Cupid Jr is causing all kind of havoc shooting love arrows into people's butts. And Joxer is here! Uh oh... Xena got hit with a love arrow! And she's gonna be all in love with Draco the warlord. Shenanigans will ensue! Because of this little giggle monster!

Heads up there will probably be a lot of screen shots of this tiny adorable child because I'm a sucker for cute kid actors alright. Anyway, Xena grabs Draco and kisses him shocking everyone! Gabby is DISPLEASED. If only she had turned and looked at Gabrielle first alas. It's okay, that's why fanfiction exists.

Gabby and Joxer think maybe Xena's temporary insanity is part of her plan. Or at least that's what they hope. Draco and Xena have a kinda creepy fight filled with innuendos and gross. I mean, I don't hate horny Xena obviously, but Xena being hot for Draco is EW. Gabrielle clearly agrees. So Xena concocts some plan to turn Draco good and meanwhile this entire village is a hot mess of hormones thanks to Cupid Jr which Gabby and Joxer are still oblivious to.

Xena sneaks into Draco's tent and tries to get him to join forces with her so that he can be a good like her. He laughs all that off obviously, despite Xena trying to seduce him into it. He plans to throw Xena off while he attacks the temple of the Hestian virgins.

Awww look at Gabby twirling her staff around. Sometimes I forget how RIPPED Renee O'Connor is. Those arms, those are very nice arms...

Uh oh Draco is here to take the temple! But the silly dummies didn't know that Xena was already there and has hidden the Hestian ladies because she is always one step ahead. Joxer and Gabby are all tied up and Xena goes over to untie them and Gabby gets hit with a Cupid Jr arrow! We have this classic slow mo moment that inspired a thousand fanfics where she looks for Xena first but Joxer's dumb face gets in the way so now Gabrielle is in love with Joxer.

This little mischief maker! Well with Gabby and Xena both love arrowed up, it's up to Joxer to figure out what's going on? Maybe? That won't go well.

We have two scenes where we pan across clothes with innuendo conversations but find out Xena is just beating Draco at arm wrestling and Gabby and Joxer are singing his theme song. Draco tries to get his sexy on with Xena and she runs away all freaked out and jumps into the water for a cold swim. Meanwhile Gabrielle is trying to hilariously seduce Joxer and they share a most awkward kiss.

Xena finally starts to figure out that something weird is going on when she listens to Gabrielle gush on and on about how in love with Joxer she is. Oh no! Draco is attacking the temple again! Unfortunately he gets hit with a love arrow too and his eyes land on Gabrielle. Xena is really starting to realize something is up now. Oh the shenanigans of this episode!

Draco Joxernaps Joxer and of course Gabrielle goes after him because she's all in love arrow with him and now she is captured too! Xena is fed up with all this nonsense! She rescues Joxer, finally starts to understand what's going on, and hits Draco over the head with a pot to knock him out but then calls him sweety and mentions how cute he looks which she is immediately appalled at herself with which is hilarious.

She rescues Gabby and off they all go back to the temple where Draco comes to confront her. Saying he wants Gabrielle and the Hestian virgins or he will set fire to the temple and burn everyone up. Xena's all, "You would kill the woman you love?" And Draco responds, "The questions is, will you?" Because even Draco knows that Xena is in love with Gabrielle duh.

Oooooh Xena is being sneaky. She has concocted a plan that pits Draco against another bad dude. Such a smarty pants. And we get to see Gabby in her Amazon outfit again yay! Always a good time.

Then we have this ridiculousness where bad dudes are chasing the Hestian ladies through some caves while Cupid Jr hits everybody with love arrows until it's the Hestian virgins chasing the bad dudes instead. This is comedy people!

Then Gabby goes after the Hestians, Draco goes after Gabby, Xena goes after Draco, and Joxer goes after them all. Now everyone is chasing each other all through the temple and it's just ridiculous mayhem! 

Cupid finally catches up to his little Cupid Jr and grounds his adorable little face.

Cupid gets everyone put back to normal except Joxer because Joxer was never hit with a love arrow he just genuinely loves Gabrielle awww poor buddy. The dorky straight boy best friend in love with his best lesbian friend - a trope as old as time.

I love how jaded about love Cupid is hahaha. Anyway Xena makes the executive decision to leave Draco in love with Gabrielle because it makes him try to be good to show how much he loves her. Oh Xena you sneaky sneaky lady. Awww look at Joxer's sad face. Poor guy, it's okay. You get to have a pretty sweet life just wait for it! We've got a few seasons to go but you get some lovin!!

*No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture*

Okay I love this one because yeah it could be referring to the cherries Gabrielle was eating but ALSO to the Hestian virgin's "cherries" and I like to think the writer's know exactly what they were doing with that haha.

Episode 45: Lost Mariner

So a friend of mine and I like to watch creepy movies together to scare the shit out of ourselves while drinking and yelling at the characters being stupid, and then we watch something else afterwards to act as a cleanser to take our minds off the spoopy, ANYWAY point is we've been working our way through the Pirates of the Caribbean movies as our cleansers for the last few weeks and this episode is reminding me of those films but BETTER because it's Xena. So that was a random intro, moving on!

Xena and Gabrielle have been in a ship wreck I guess?  And Gabby gets pulled on to this dude's ship, Seacrops? Weird name. Anyway, Xena isn't there so we assume she is alive and made it to an island or something because uh oh, apparently being on this guy's ship means you can never leave. We learn this when one of the other shipwrecked guys who got pulled on board tries to jump ship to escape and he gets deaded in a flash of green light. Gabby has a concern.

Can we take a moment to appreciate Renee's gorgeous eyes though? Ok back to the cursed ship. Gabrielle is apparently stuck on this ship until she dies but we know that's not gonna happen because Xena is totally going to rescue her sidekick/galpal/wife so OK SHOW GOOD TRY.

Speaking of our warrior princess, there she is now! Alive and safe on the island and immediately looking for ways to save her girl. First she has to battle some random bad guys for a reason I'm not really paying attention to. UGH this show, the wooshing sound effects when Xena just like... moves her head hahaha I love it.

Awww poor seasick Gabrielle stuck on a ship. So there's some gross sexism all "get in the kitchen and cook because you're a woman and I don't like my men to be distracted" Ummm okay asshole I hope Gabby barfs on you.

I'm having a hard time watching this because of the swaying, blegh, I am equally as motion sick as Gabrielle alright. It's just some boring plot about Seacrops and his curse and his treasure and blah blah blah I'm going to go make myself a cup of tea during this part.

Mmmm okay, tea in hand and back to this episode. So like any good curse, love will cure it. Also, Gabby and Xena see each other and it's adorable. Xena is trying to get onto the ship, not knowing it's cursed, and Seacrops and Gabrielle are trying to get the ship away from shore so she can't, but um hello it's Xena if she wants to do a thing she's gonna do the thing. So what does she do? Climb a tree with some arrows, perform some spectacular gymnastics, literally somersaulting through the air a billion feet, to land on the ship. See that speck? That's Xena laughing maniacally while tumbling end over end from that cliff side to that ship. Oh show, never change.

And all while Gabrielle looks on GIGGLING because she is just so smitten with her wife and her ridiculous antics and then immediately gives her a huge hug while Xena goes all protective Daddy mode and UGH YOU GUYS I CANT WITH THESE TWO.
  

Don't mind me, just gonna do a bunch of screenshots of these two reuniting and comforting each other.

And yeah obviously Xena already knew this was Seacrops and the cursed ship and she's all "I wasn't going to let you take off with my best friend." My little gay heart! Xena is ready to figure out this curse and the bad dudes from the island are ready to figure out how to get on the ship and steal the treasure and thus our plot is set.

Seacrops talks about his lady love, Xena shows Gabby how to alleviate her seasickness by jabbing a pressure point on her wrist, and more monologuing from Seacrops, man this guy can TALK. So much blah blah. Instead I find myself focusing on how BLUE Xena's eyes are in this lighting.

Then this adorableness happens. With her seasickness all better Gabrielle is having a tasty squid snack and if she isn't just the cutest thing ever, I don't know what is.

Oh look! Awful CGI Poseidon is back yay! He doesn't want Xena meddling with his cursed ship so he offers her and Gabrielle safe passage off but she turns it down because she wants to do everything the hard way.

Mooooore plot and so much talking. Also so much swaying and that wrist thing isn't working for me so I'm going to go heat up some veggie barley soup while I listen to all the blah blah instead of watch it.

Mmmm soup, and I'm back! Uh oh, there's a big storm and the ship is cap sizing! Forcing our ladies to snuggle! 

It also unfortunately crushes and kills one of the nice ship guys that Gabrielle had formed a friendship with. Poseidon is offering Seacrops some shifty deal where he says if he throws Xena into his big evil whirlpool he will let him and his men go free from the curse. Clearly Poseidon is fed up with Xena's meddling.

They've reached Poseidon's big bad whirlpool! Now they have to go around it...? I think? They definitely don't want to go in it. Oh and they are still being pursued by the bad dudes after treasure. Things are going really well clearly.

Man there is so much rocking and swaying in this episode! I feel like I'm only half watching because I keep having to look away! This ep should come with a warning label for those of us with motion sickness alright. Anyway, Seacrops does a good and refuses to throw Xena into the whirl pool and figures out how to solve the curse by displaying his love for others awwww good job buddy. He goes and sacrifices himself to Poseidon to save everyone else and break the curse.

But oh look Seacrops is alive and on land! Athena giving him immortality saved him I guess. He is all giggly about getting to walk on land, it is very cute. And everyone is safe and happy and maybe now we can not have some sea episodes for awhile please show??

*Cecrops' "Joie de Vivre" was not harmed during the production of this motion picture*

Oh wow I was spelling his name very wrong lol oh well! I'm not fixing it so... now I know whoops!

Featurette: Warrior Tales

So there is a special featurette on this disc called Warrior Tales and I am undertaking the boring task of sitting through it to share with you all the more interesting tidbits and factoids. First up is adorable Lucy Lawless talking about her name!

She married into the last name Lawless (born Lucille Ryan) and had her first child during that time. She decided to keep the name Lawless when she divorced and so that's what we all know and love her by. 

We also get some back story into Robert Tapert, Sam Raimi, and Bruce Campbell as dorky college kids making super 8 movies together (I'm adding the dorky part here okay but as a college film kid myself, I know we were all dorky alright).  

Then my fave lady Renee talks a bit about how it was tough playing a character younger than herself because she had to go through all that angsty growing up feels and finding yourself stuff twice. I've heard that from other actors in interviews before since casting consistently chooses 20-something people to play 16 year olds on all the teen drama shows.

Also that she loved the fight scenes and fighting with the weapons and has a bunch of weird weapons skills that she never uses anymore haha. Which is so funny because Lucy talks about how she hated all the martial arts training and fighting and stuff which I think is a great juxtaposition to their characters.

I do really like listening to Rob Tapert talk about his love for female driven heroes and how he got there. He discusses his frustration with only really seeing Wonder Woman in that role growing up and how he wanted to do more. Xena was just a guest role on Hercules but it was such a compelling story at a time when there weren't really any female led action shows that they managed to score their own series which - lucky us!!

Apparently Renee bumped into and broke a bunch of camera equipment when she went into her audition for a random role on Hercules hahaha - sounds about right. But clearly it worked out because Rob loved her and championed for her to play different roles and ultimately led to her being Gabrielle, to which I am forever thankful. Xena would not be the show it is without Lucy and Renee in those roles playing opposite each other.. They have amazing comedic timing and chemistry and that's what made this show so special to so many people.

I always love listening to how shocked and excited they both were by how much their show meant to the lesbian community during the time it aired. I mean, it's hard to picture it now, especially for all you young baby queers out there, because now there is so much representation in TV it is insane. I mean I randomly pick a show to watch now and there is usually at least one queer character, and often even full blown relationships. I'm thinking about how I sat down to watch The Haunting of Bly Manor because I like ghost stories and scary stuff and I had no idea there was a beautiful lesbian relationship at the heart of that show until I started watching it, like whaaaa??? It's so crazy but so awesome. But back in the 90s when this show aired there was very little representation, or if there was it was in a negative or joking way. So it makes sense that a show about two women, with a deep relationship, traveling and living and fighting together appealed to that demographic.

Okay okay, I'm done with my sappy gay ramblings now - it's just really great now you guys, compared to where it has been in the past. I mean, I was watching Wynonna Earp and there's scenes where like out of 5 characters in a scene 4 of them are queer. LIKE WHAT? And it's not even about that. It's not like it's The L Word where the whole thing is about being gay, this is just a bad ass show about monster killing and stuff and that scene had nothing to do with anyone's sexual identity but it was just so cool to be sitting there watching that and be like woah... that's a lot of gays! (Bless you Emily Andras)

Ooookay I have gotten way off topic here - sorry. That's the harm in stream of consciousness haha. 

Rob ends by talking a bit about the internet getting going and how that helped the show grow because people could connect about it and share it. Ah, the good old days of the internet before twitter and facebook when there were just poorly made fan websites. What a time to be alive! 

Next post we will be back to our regularly scheduled recaps!

Episode 44: The Price

Ooooh I like this opening music, very dramatic. Combined with a dramatic scene of... fishing!! Gabrielle has caught a fish and is talking to it while Xena quips "Don't talk to your breakfast." While looking at her like she is the cutest thing ever because SHE IS. 

Their serene fishing morning is interrupted by a dying dude who leaps out of the water at them and EXCUSE ME I just watched The Nun with some friends and if things could not jump out of the water right now while I am home and alone that would be great. Anyway there are some kinda racistly depicted tribal people attacking them for some reason now? I dunno, what I know is that when Lucy Lawless shouted "Get to the river!" her accent came out really strong and it was adorable.

Ok so we are getting some plot back story about these people named The Horde and how Xena is familiar with their scary selves. Xena is on edge and that understandably freaks Gabby out. I really like the scene where they are rowing down the river and members of The Horde appear from various camouflaged places as they pass, very cool.

Man this episode is dark! There are some dying dudes trussed up along the bank moaning and calling out for help, basically bait to try and get people to approach them and Xena is too smart to fall for it, but of course Gabby and her bleeding heart try. They manage to save one guy and then uh oh a waterfall! Now I know I'm supposed to be all *gasp* but it's so pretty! They shouldn't have made the drama waterfall so pretty okay.

Some more fighting and plot, Xena saves Gabby multiple times, lots of dudes die, Xena gets to use her whip! I love it when she uses her whip, it is often under utilized in my opinion.

So I guess there is some sort of fort that is under siege by these Horde guys. Now the warrior ladies are wrapped up in it. They really get themselves into quite the predicaments don't they. There is a lot of talk about the Horde being "things" "fighting like dogs" "inhuman" etc and I FEEL like there is some sort of resolution where we find out they have just been misunderstood this whole time and that these soldier guys are just ignorant jerks and therefore some redemption for all this very upsetting racist crap and... I hope that's true but you never can tell with older shows. I think there is though... I think Gabrielle figures it out.

Oh yep, here we go Xena is getting all war crazy and insane with power and Gabrielle is gonna be there in the clinch to bring her back to sanity. I remember now.

There is a lot of obnoxious plot. The gist is that Xena is taking over command basically and is all "Kill them all!" and bosses all these dudes around. Meanwhile Gabrielle is organizing the wounded and helping take care of them and assigning some guys to be nurses and aren't these two just the best power couple ever? Well... kinda because they get into a battle of wills here where Xena is like, anyone who is still walking is fighting, and Gabby is like uh excuse me these guys need R&R. So... it's not all peaches and rainbows for our two ladies right now.

Loooots of fighting and dying in this episode. Gabrielle watches as Xena gets way too into the killing and is appalled that she basically stabs a guy in his back while he is running away, but of course all the blood thirsty soldier guys love it and Xena is loving it too - hello she used to be big bad evil uber Xena - did you forget Gabby? I didn't because there are a billion fanfics about it. So, get your cute sweet self over there and bring your wife back from the brink of crazy!

Lucy's accent is so strong in this episode! It keeps slipping out and it's so cute. Unfortunately X & G are fighting because Xena is all "This is war! They are nothing like us! Kill kill kill!" That last bit is paraphrased okay. And Gabrielle is basically being Xena's conscious that Xena doesn't want to listen to right now, even if she does have adorable braids in her hair.

More plot and yet more fighting, Xena brings in one of the Horde guys and precious, innocent, Gabrielle is like what? You rescued one? And Xena is all hahahaha no no sweet child we are going to torture this dude for info. More racism with people talking slowly to the Horde guy in English like he will be able to understand a different language if they just talk to him like a baby? Also calling him an animal. Blegh, do not like! C'mon Gabby get this figured out already. Xena is being a biotch because her evil side is coming out and poor Gabby is so sad about it, and this whole mess with people fighting each other because they don't understand each other. Gabrielle is truly the best of them all.

So anyway, Gabby figures out the dying Horde guys are calling out for "kaltaka" aka water so she goes out there and starts taking care of them, much to Xena's dismay, especially when Gabrielle looks like she's about to be killed. She may be fighting with her but she doesn't want to LOSE her. Also Gabby is and will always be Xena's heart, which is what all those previously mentioned conqueror!xena fanfics are all really about, right?

Awww Gabby's actions brought about a little truce time so everyone could retrieve their wounded from both sides. Such a good. Okay I know Xena is being a psycho this episode but I really like watching her boss all these guys around. 

Oh good, Xena's apologizing and they make up. About time. Xena goes out and defeats (not kills - growth!) the Horde's leader and saves the day like she do. But then the Horde kill their own leader for losing I guess? So everything ends well, except that I'm gonna deem this episode a bit too racist for my taste because there wasn't nearly enough discussion about how the Horde is being treated. 

*To show sympathy for the Horde, "kaltaka" was only served upon request during the production of this motion picture.*

Episode 43: Ulysses

Hopping right on in, Xena humoring Gabby will always be a favorite. After "stopping to smell the flowers" at Gabby's urging for Xena to experience some peace, Xena instead finds a battle because of course she does.

Oh no I think this might be a boy of the week episode. Booooo. Xena helps save Ulysses and they have a *gag* moment and Gabby does a great representation of me.

Plot plot plot, Ulysses needs to get back home to his kingdom and amazing CGI Poseidon won't let him.

Xena is a CELEBRITY ya'll. Poseidon, God of the Sea, is all "You stay out of this Xena, my nephew Ares may have a fondness for you but I won't be so patient with you meddling." Like how cool is it that all the gods are like, oh yeah that Xena chick. Another gratuitous Poseidon pic while they talk about all the boring plot reasons Xena and Gabrielle are about to set out for sea to help Ulysses get home? Yes.

Definitely a boy of the week episode. We hear all about how great Ulysses is and "what a man" he is, and his poor sob story about his wife being dead even though I'm pretty sure from my middle school mythology his wife isn't actually dead.

So they take over a pirate ship using Gabrielle as a sexy dancing distraction. 

Xena's face when she climbs up onto the boat and sees Gabby dancing is EVERYTHING.

I also really appreciate that while Gabby is dancing for these dudes she also is beating them up, like oops I just happened to punch you in the face with my sexy dancing, hahaha. Amazing. So they kick all the pirates off and steal their ship and off they gooooo. But not before Ulysses takes an arrow to the shoulder trying to save Gabby which is noble and all but Xena would have saved her with her chakram which she tried to tell him but he was all no I'm a man and will do the man thing. So he did the man thing and got shot - typical.

Also, of course Xena knows how to sail a ship too duh she has many skills. There's some moment here where Xena and Ulysses are talking and he's shirtless and she's cleaning his wound and it's supposed to be sexy I guess but I'm very very gay so I'm just ignoring this whole deal. Some plot about Ulysses fancy bow that only he can shoot and yes my mythology knowledge is coming back to me.

Uh oh, poor Gabby is getting seasick. I feel you girl. ME TOO. Honestly just the camera movements in this episode trying to mimic the sway of the ocean is making me feel a little ill. Good old sea sickness. I really like the majestical ocean music playing over the sound of Gabby puking.

Poseidon is angryyyy and sets a storm on the ship while they are also trying to get past the sirens who are currently twirling around a shell with Poseidon's face in it. This show man.

So the sirens start to sing their luring song to Ulysses trying to get him to wreck on their islands, but Xena is ahead of them and has tied that dude up already so he doesn't act like an idiot, but he busts out because he is an idiot anyway.

He and Xena fight so he doesn't kill everybody in his siren induced insanity, but Xena has a great idea and just sings louder than the sirens and it's like a Pitch Perfect song battle which Xena clearly wins. What can't she do??

Ulysses is thirsty AF and clearly wants Xena to be his new wife in Ithica and is all I'm falling in love with you, stay and live with me and like I get it man, I'd be thirsty for Xena too, but she already has a lady love so I guess try and shoot your shot man. Ew they kiss and poor Gabby is sickly laying in a hammock nearby and is SO SAD. Don't worry Gabs, he's just boy of the week.

The next morning Gabrielle and Xena have a heart to heart and basically profess their love for each other while masking it in some dumb conversation about Xena and Ulysses. Gabrielle gets to dry land and kisses the ground like the cutie she is.

Ulysses is all excited to be back in Ithica and keeps talking about every random tree and boulder that he has memories about. They fight off some thugs and Ulysses meets an old friend of his. Some plot blah blah blah, we find out that Ulysses' wife is still alive. What I want to note though is that I really like that Gabrielle is starting to fight more in the battles. Her evolution as a fighter is really great and I haven't been commenting on it that much but over the past few episodes she has been getting more and more involved in the fighting and you can see her developing her skills as she learns from Xena.

Ok so back to plot, the bow that Ulysses talked about before comes into play because his wife is all, whoever can string this bow will be my new king, blah blah, there is some angst between Ulysses and Xena and he's like no I'll abandon my kingdom and wife and come travel with you and Gabrielle and she's like uh no, no thanks. I like my life the way it is. She leans hard into the, I was just spewing mushy garbage I'm not into you, and it's obvious she was into him but is pushing him away so he makes the right decision. Xena is such a good, plus it helps she has a cute little bad ass wife to make her feel better.

He's struggling to actually string this bow because yeah it's been YEARS so Xena is sneakily there in the clinch and helps him get it done. So really Xena rewrites all of mythology ever and that's just canon everyone I don't make the rules. Fight fight fight, aaaaand the good guys win.

Ulysses keeps trying to profess his love to Xena and leave his wife and she's all BUDDY get the hint. I said no. Byyyeeeeee. And our ladies sail away. Ooooh I need a good Xena/Gabby pirates AU fanfic.... I'll have to go hunt one down.

*Despite Gabrielle's incessant hurling, Ulysses' ship was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.*