Episode 21: The Greater Good

Alright! I've got my tea and my bagel, so let's do this thing! It's going to be a long one.

We open on a hilarious scene wherein Gabby is practicing her staff moves on Argo. Argo is unamused.

Then Xena whistles from the bushes and the well trained and snarky Argo kicks the staff out of Gabby's hands and into Xena's.

Apparently, Argo and Gabrielle have issues.

Xena: "I wish the two of you would just get along."
Gabby: "It's not like we're at constant war or anything. Argo doesn't like me."
Xena: "Sometimes you have to have patience with things that annoy you."
Gabby: "Oh, I never said she annoyed me."
Xena: "I wasn't talking to you."
Argo: *laughs* (I'm serious, Argo does a horse whinny laugh. She is obviously not your average horse.)

Xena leaves Argo and Gabby alone and tells Argo to "be nice" and Gabby to "make sure the saddle is tight". I love the interactions with Argo, she is an often forgotten main character.

Now there is some plot... it's boring. But Salmoneus is here! Yay! As soon as Xena sees him she just gives him this LOOK. Oh, Salmoneus. He's always getting himself into trouble, even more than Gabby!

I'm not really sure why I feel the need to screen cap his face... he always kind of looks the same. But just LOOKING at him makes me laugh. I can't help it.

Anyways, in between this fight scene we are getting glimpses of a black leather clad individual fitting some poisonous arrow to a cross bow. An individual with crazy blond hair and psycho eyes. Who could it be? I bet you all know! So Xena gets shot in the neck with poison. Nooooooooooooooo! She keeps right on fighting though, cause that's how she rolls.

In the midst of a bunch of plot, Xena is starting to look more and more sickly, until she collapses in front of a baddie and he's about to run her through. Luckily Gabrielle has been learning a lot and stops him. Then Argo comes to their rescue and carries her and Gabby away.

This is not good. Not good at all. Now the enemy knows she's weak and they are going to come after her. She finally tells Gabrielle she's poisoned and Gabby's worried face is heart breaking, and a little annoyed. She's angry that Xena didn't tell her earlier. I would be too! Communication is key, ladies!

In order to convince the baddies that Xena isn't sickly and weak, they come up with the genius plan of dressing Gabby as Xena to throw them off. It's a glorious thing.

Gabby learns that she has to ride Argo to pull this off. Argo and Gabrielle both have trepidations about this plan. She tries to do the whistle thing to make Argo go, buuuuuut Argo lays down instead. Bahaha! Also, why is there a random lorikeet? Anyone have the answer to this question?

If you listen closely you can even hear the little lory say, "uh oh" when Argo lays down. I love the random subtle humor in this show.

Ok, back to Gabby being Xena. She approaches the army and is all, "Either leave this valley forever, or suffer the wrath of Xena!" She's so cute. The baddies meanwhile are like, "Does she seem smaller than before?" HA!

They aren't falling for it and chase her down. Luckily the real Xena peeks out of the stable where she's hiding and uses her chakram on them. She's really not looking so good. She tells Gabrielle that if she dies she wants to be taken back home and buried next to her brother. NO XENA! You can't DIE!

Plot things happen. Gabby as Xena is attacking the baddies with some bomb type things. Uh oh. They've caught her. Now they know she's not Xena! They send some thugs to take Xena down. Well, crap.

However, Xena puts up a hell of a fight for being practically on her death bed. Then Argo saves Gabby! Awwww, go Argo!

Gabby finally makes it back to Xena, but it's too late, the poison has got her. Gabrielle's face is so sad.


After kissing Xena on the cheek (first kiss by the way) she heads outside to take her grief out on a tree by beating it ferociously with her staff. This scene is just heart wrenching. Even though I know that Xena isn't REALLY dead, it still kills me.

The bad guys get a hold of Xena's body and want to "tear it limb from limb". Oh hell no. Gabrielle is pissed and she's as scary as Xena when she gets angry. Maybe even scarier since she's usually so sweet.
She starts kicking the CRAP out of the entire army, until she finally has a sword at the leaders throat. Unfortunately he quickly turns the tables and Gabby gets captured again.

They tie Xena up between two horses in order to rip her apart. One of whom is Argo which is a dumb idea because Argo is so loyal to Xena it's ridiculous. She refuses to budge even when they are whipping her over and over again. They are about to kill her when Xena comes back from the dead and starts wreaking havoc all over the place! Lot's of fighting later and they save the day! Also, Argo and Gabby are now friends! YAY!

Xena: "Gabrielle, when you thought I was dead you risked your life to try and take me back home."
Gabby: "It was your last wish. For all that you've given me and all the times you've saved my life, I would go to Tartarus and back just to carry it out."
Xena: "I used to wonder whether I'd ever make it back. Now I know one way or another I'll make it home. Thank you."
Gabby: "Change the subject. I'm gonna get all soft on you." (giggles)
Xena: "We wouldn't want that would we?" (huge smirk)

Throwing subtext in even when talking about Xena dying. Oh, you two!

Well, this has been a CRAZY episode. Lots of stuff going on, and soon we'll find out who our "mystery" poison dart shooter is. Like we don't already know.

*Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure. Play it safe.*

Episode 20: Ties That Bind

This is a superbly boring intro scene. Something about some girls being locked up to be sold as slaves... an army of thugs... Ares manipulating a random baddie to try and take down Xena... Oh, hey! Ares is back again! With some more fabulous hair styling of course.

Xena and Gabby are watching the thugs from the branches of a tree, just waiting to strike. But before they can some old guy runs onto the field and starts beating up baddies left and right. Xena steps in and helps/rescues him from breaking a hip. Then he drops a bombshell. He's Xena's FATHER! Dun dun duuuuuuun.

He starts spazzing out about how much Xena has grown, and doesn't she recognize him? Xena's all, "Gimme a break," and walks off. Then she and Gabby break the ladies out of their cage. Gabby picks a lock all by herself! Go Gab Go!

Now, a bunch of plot happens with Ares and the main baddie and blah, blah, blah. What I REALLY want to point out is that Xena is sitting on a hill watching the girls they have just saved bathing in a lake. That is SO GAY.

Gabrielle walks up and tries to talk to Xena about the whole father thing. Basically, Xena thought her dad was the greatest thing in the whole world, until he left their family when she was little.

Speaking of the bad dad! Here he comes now! He tries to convince Xena, yet again, that he's her father by telling her the same story she just told Gabrielle. Hm.... I smell something fishy! Pun intended.

Gabrielle sees the supposed Xena daddy viciously kill some guy who was attempting to surrender. He claims it was in self defense, Gabby isn't looking so sure about that. She's on guard now you shifty old man!

He starts manipulating her into thinking that as long as she and Xena are together, he has to leave so as not to get in the way. Since Gabby just wants whats best for Xena, she starts thinking she should leave so her lady love can spend time with her dad. Nooooo! Don't fall for it, Gabby! But she does.

Xena starts fighting a bunch of people, I'm not really sure why... Regardless, she kills the main baddie and takes over his army of thugs, apparently to lead them to some sort of peaceful thing. Is it all coming together yet? It will soon.

Xena heads back to some village to catch up with her dear old dad and sees him beaten and tied up to a post. Supposedly the villagers did this to him because of some past crime. XENA GOES CRAZY!

She leads her army to attack the village! Dark Xena seems to be making a come back. The father guy dies. Uh oh. Pissed off Xena is not a healthy thing to have around.

Good thing Gabrielle came back to knock some sense into her. Literally.

Oh hey! Apparently the old guy/dad has come back from the dead! He's now trying to convince her to kill all the villagers for his revenge. Nooooow Xena is starting to get it. ARES! That manipulative bastard. He's been masquerading as Xena's daddy!

He tells her to join him or die. Yeah right! Ares will never kill Xena. He's OBSESSED with her, and she knows it. She uses that against him ALL the time.

All's well again! Thanks to Gabby, who is the real hero in this episode. Without her, Xena would have gone all blood thirsty again. Gabrielle is what keeps Xena heading on the right path.

Xena: "For me, our friendship binds us closer than blood ever could."

Gabby: "For me too."

*No fathers, spiritual or biological, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.*

Episode 18: The Prodigal

Yeah! Let's rock out this third recap in a day shall we? I got all the dishes and laundry done so my lady can't get mad at me for being a bum when she gets home from work. I've been very productive.

So we open on an adorable scene with Gabby playing the flute... or reed pipes? Whatever the official name for this instrument is. Xena looks equal parts annoyed, amused, and adoring. Also, a little like she's checking out Gabby's ass as she dances. Just saying.

Now a bunch of boring plot happens. Blerg. That plot is always getting in the way of my subtext! I kid, I kid. Anyways, Gabrielle is all upset with herself because she froze/panicked when some baddies were attacking.

She has a bit of a struggle coming to terms with this. Basically she FREAKS out for no good reason. She's all, "I froze and I might have put you in danger and I'm a liability, waaaaaah". Okay, okay, so not that whiny, but come on! Xena is telling you it's fine and she obviously doesn't want you to leave! Xena's sad face as she watches Gabby walking away is so SAD!

So, Gabrielle leaves Xena for NO GOOD REASON and goes back to her home town to try and sort out her issues. This is another "Where's Xena?" episode. Boo I say!

In order to put me in a better mood I am going to do this shameless screen cap which could be interpreted in different ways. Is it Xena saving Gabby from being crushed by a wagon? OR is it the tail end of a snogging fest? I'm just putting it out there.

Okay, moving on. The montage of Gabrielle trying to hitch a ride GLORIOUS.

Boring plot stuff is happening. Basically, there's an army about to destroy Gabby's home town and they have hired some warrior named Meleager the Mighty to help protect them. Problem is, he's less mighty and more a big old drunkard. So he's pretty useless. There's some parallel here with the warrior guy and Gabby because he lost his nerve in the middle of a battle and that's when he started drinking. Basically, they are going to learn from each other. Whatever, as long as it makes Gabby go back to Xena I'm on board.

So, obviously Gabby has picked up quite a bit from traveling with Xena because she is able to pull off some pretty impressive army stopping shenanigans, and get the wayward Meleager back in line. Gabby gains confidence in herself and saves her town, YAY! Now get back to your lady!!

On her way back to find Xena, she gets cornered by the same baddies from the beginnning of the episode (the parallels abound). This time though, she kicks butt and FLIES over a wagon! Well, she uses her staff to catapult her over, but it defies the laws of physics so I'm going with FLIES! Go Gabby!

Of course, now the baddies want to take her down with swords. Luckily Xena is there to step in and take over. Gabby is all, "You know, it's kind of funny that we just ran into each other, you know, here?" Xena's like, "Not really." She was on her way to visit Gabby and check in on her. Awwww, so cute! Like Xena was going to let Gabby leave. Nope! That's her sidekick/lady love!

Well, that's all for today!

*Meleager the Mighty, the generally tipsy and carousing Warrior-For-Hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.*

Episode 17: Royal Couple of Thieves

Whoohoo! We're on a roll today! My plan is to make it through the entire first season before I start grad school next week. Because once that takes over my life we're looking at one or two recaps a week, instead of one or two a day like I've been doing. So! Moving on!

BRUCE CAMPBELL! BRUCE CAMPBELL! BRUCE CAMPBELL! I absolutely adore this man. He's like the lovable uncle I never had. I think he is the quintessential cheesy actor and, like I've said before, there is nothing I love more than cheese in my TV.

Now, I know he is called Autolycus, but I'm going to refer to him as Bruce at all times. Because really, no matter what character he's playing, he's just Bruce Campbell. Some might say that makes him a bad actor, and I'm not disagreeing with that statement, but it really only makes me love him even more.

We are introduced to Bruce as he steals a giant shiny ball we are supposed to assume is a diamond or something. Xena is on to him. He tries to run. A fatal mistake. Xena will always catch you! Silly Bruce, you amuse me so. Especially since what he actually stole was a cleverly disguised ball of rock sugar.


Xena and Gabby are equally amused.

So our heroes have a proposition for Bruce. Blah, blah, blah, plot, plot, plot. They want him to steal something. He is after all, The King of Thieves.

Off they go! Undercover, of course. You know, there's really just no way to appropriately capture the humor in this episode. Bruce Campbell and Lucy Lawless work great together comically.

Xena starts doing her dancing thing to distract everyone while Bruce makes a copy of the key they need. I mention this because it's an excuse to post a screen cap of Lucy Lawless dancing. I'm shameless.

Okay, Xena and Bruce have managed to steal the thing they were after, but now the assasin Bruce was pretending to be has captured Gabby and reveals that Xena and Bruce are fakes! Noooooo! Gabby!!!! She's just always in trouble isn't she?

Good thing Xena is always there to save her! Now Xena and Bruce have to get back the treasure chest thing, but Gabrielle gets captured... AGAIN. Wow, Gabby. You're really failing in this episode.

Fight, fight fight, Xena saves Gabby AGAIN and gets the treasure chest back AGAIN. Apparently the treasure chest contains the Ten Commandments. Of course it does. I love Xena history.

The day is saved! Bruce goes in for a kiss goodbye and Xena gives him the ol' handshake. Gabby's little smile is my favorite. Talk at you next time Xenites!

*No ancient and inflexible rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.*

Episode 15: Warrior...Princess

YES. I love these episodes. Any episode with a Xena body double in it is going to be glorious. Mainly, because Lucy Lawless does some of the funniest voices/physical comedy on the PLANET. Obviously the shows creators and writers are taking advantage of Lawless' incredible skills because in the Xenaverse there are a ridiculous amount of women who surprisingly look EXACTLY like Xena, except they're not. We get to meet one of them now! Princess Diana!

Lawless completely changes the way she moves and speaks and it really does make me think there are two of her. It's spectacular! So basically there are some assassins out there trying to kill spoiled Princess Diana so the king wants to switch them up so Xena can catch the person behind the assassination attempts. Yeah, because putting your daughter in Xena's clothes and setting her out in the world is going to keep her out of harms way. Have you seen how many people want to kill Xena? Ridiculous.

Side note, I love it when Xena strips down to her under clothes.

Where were we? Oh, right.

Diana and Xena are switching clothes. Diana tries to "lighten up" Xena's outfit by tying red ribbons to it. Ha! It looks so awkward. Xena quickly takes them off, telling her that she has to convince people she's her, and she likes dark. Duh. Then Diana, dressed as Xena, rides out of the castle to meet Gabrielle with a note from Xena explaining everything. While riding Argo side-saddle. I love how many little lol moments there are in this episode.

Gabby beats up her first baddie all by herself! Yay! She looks so confused by the way Diana is acting, then she reads the note. The note still doesn't convince her though. "So... you're Princess Diana? Who just happens to look exactly like Xena? Ha! It's test day again, isn't it?" The thing that convinces her is when Diana starts to cry like a big blubbery baby. It's not that Xena wouldn't cry, she's not a robot! But she would NEVER cry like that.

Moving on. Xena isn't faring too well pretending to be Princess Diana either. Apparently Xena is incapable of being soft spoken or dainty. I'm loving Lawless in this episode! She's just so great at comedy and I love when this show gives her the chance to really let that show. She AND Renee O'Connor! They are always at their best when being hilarious.

Meanwhile, Diana is brushing Argo's tail. Ha! I bet Argo is fine with that! Gabrielle is attempting to teach her how ordinary people spend their time. Diana is appalled and vows to change things in her kingdom when she goes back to being princess. Then they sit down for some lunch and share it with this random starving family. One of the kids asks Diana what her chakram is, she replies, "It's my round... killing thing!" Gabby's all, "Chakram!" to which Diana responds, "Bless you!" Renee O'Connor's WTF face cracks me up.

Back to the palace we go! The look-a-likes need to switch back. Gabby has other ideas, obviously.

Gabrielle: "Nice place! A girl could get used to this!"
Xena: "Well, don't. We're leaving here as soon as I can get out of this outfit."
Gabrielle: "I like it."

If those aren't googly eyes, I don't know what are. Yay! The day is saved! Our heroes go on to subtext another day!

*Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.*

Episode 13: Athens City Academy of Performing Bards

Oh, boooooooo. This is one of those episodes where they throw in a bunch of clips from past episodes to make it longer. Blerg! Oh, well. Gabby's little voice overs as she tells Xena's stories are pretty cute. Also, it's a Where's Xena? episode. Apparently Lawless needed a break.

So there's this bard competition and random guy of the week tells Gabrielle she should go because she's great. Which she is. This guy's dad is a total jerk head though. "Being a bard is not for young ladies. Stories of housework are just not popular." Oh no he didn't! Now Gabby is definitely going to attend this competition! There's no way she's going to take that crap. To random guy of the week's credit, he looks horribly embarrassed by his dumb father.

Gabrielle is telling Xena about going to the Academy. If she gets in she could be gone for 4-5 years! Sad Face :(

Gabby: "You'd hardly notice I was missing."
Xena: "Even if I had an army around me, I'd still notice you were missing."

There are definitely some googly eyes going on here.

And off she goes! She does some canoodling to get into the competition, because there is this whole registration/fee concept she didn't exactly get around to. The other characters who are in the competition are all really hilarious in their own ways. Their stories show flashbacks to classic movies like "Spartacus". It's some pretty funny stuff.

So, Gabby spends a bunch of this episode coaching the random guy of the week on how to tell stories his own way, and ignore his stupid dad. She is instrumental in making him an awesome bard, who closes his eyes as he tells a story. Sound familiar? It should! In the end we find out random guy's name is Homer, the blind poet. OH SNAP! This is where I learned all my history from. School was useless.

So, Gabby wins the competition. Of course she does. But she decides to turn it down and runs off to find Xena. It's super adorable because Xena is just walking along with Argo and then Gabby runs in screen off from the side and just falls into step beside her saying, "Hi!" like she was never even gone. Because that is where she belongs, right at Xena's side. And Xena just gives her a little smirk and jumps right into conversation. Because they are meant to be together, and they both know it.


Gabby talks about how she doesn't just want to just be telling adventures, she wants to live them! Speaking of, here are some baddies now! Looking for a smack down! Our heroes look so excited. Xena in her "bring it on" face and Gabby with her "this is going to make a great story!" face. This is what they are meant to do, and it is glorious.


*The producers would like to acknowledge and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and all those who were involved with the making of the film classic "SPARTACUS". Additional thanks to Steve Reeves.*

Episode 9: Death in Chains

First, let me preface with the fact that I am eating a MAMMOTH glazed doughnut right now and it is delicious. I wish you could all be having one. Also, I think for these recaps I'm going to start veering away from actual plot and focus mainly on hilarity, random fun facts, and subtext. That's what Xena is really all about anyways. Obviously this approach will be changed depending on what show I'm recapping. Though I can usually find subtext in just about anything ;)

Carrying on! Gabby is in her new outfit!! This one doesn't last very long, which is a shame because she looks mightily adorable in it. Has anyone noticed that I pretty much think Renee O'Connor is the cutest thing ever? Like a fuzzy baby duck.

LOOK at how Xena holds her sword. Like a total dyke, that's how.

So Gabby is rambling on about the current guy of the week aka random male character in one episode we will never see again. She's all, "Xena! What do you think of Tallus?" Xena TOTALLY rolls her eyes and gets all annoyed. This is how I know Xena has feelings for Gabrielle long before Gabby even realizes she's gay. It's all in the looks.

Look at Gabby being all cute and scared of the rat. Interestingly, Renee O'Connor is not scared of rats and while they were filming this scene she kept cracking up and giggling because the rat would nuzzle her neck and tickle her. ADORABLE!

Xena and Gabrielle save the day! Of course, it will be in jeopardy again next episode, so stay tuned!

*No Jumbo Sized Cocktail Rats were harmed during the production of this motion picture.*

Episode 1: Sins of the Past

It's like going back in time! Which is ironically exactly what happens in these first few minutes. FLASHBACK! DEATH! EVIL XENA! By the way if you were expecting "real" recaps... you've come to the wrong place. What we've learned so far: Lucy Lawless looks adorable in her random headband that will disappear in a few episodes.

Carrying on, our first scene with the cuteness that is young Renee O'Connor. Hey! Don't hit my Gabby you evil thug! This is what Xena thinks as she swoops in with her bad ass moves to save the day. This is also our first Xena war cry. Oh, so many glorious firsts.


By the way, if you want to play a super fun drinking game with all your nerdy lesbian pals - here's a fun one. Drink every time... Xena does her trademark yell, Xena and Gabby make googly eyes at each other, Xena and Gabby partake in gratuitous touching. You'll be smashed in no time.

Also, we just met Gabrielle's future husband who is a completely random actor that we will never see again, even when he comes back for some more episodes later on! They do this often. They also reuse actors for multiple roles throughout the series. I love this show.

Blah, blah, blah Draco is a bad guy. I'm bored with him. Moving on! We all really only care about Xena and Gabrielle and their subtextual soul mate love. Am I right?

Sooooooo some stuff happens with a cyclops and more bad guys and Gabby is totally adorable trying to hitch a ride. We meet Xena's mum and she is COMPLETELY awesome and I kind of love her. We also figure out Xena's town and mum kind of hate her. Well that's what happens when you're all evil for a little while! You can't expect loves and kisses right away you know. You need your lady love to help you learn to forgive yourself first. Speaking of...


Here comes the lady love now! Using her quick wit and sharp tongue she convinces the town's people to spare Xena's life. Cause that's what she does. AND NOW! We get our first real scene of subtext and gratuitous touching and the priceless dialogue, "Xena! I could probably get up there behind you..." Of course you could Gabrielle ;) And then there's this, "I came all this way to see you!" Aaaaaaaw, they are so freaking cute. Now, I don't know about you guys, but if someone were to lift me onto their horse I wouldn't feel the need to stroke their thigh as I adjusted myself. UNLESS of course I wanted to hit that. Which Gabby does. Because Xena is her soul mate and totally hot.

Okay, so we have some stuff with Xena's dead brother, and then a way too long fight scene between her and Draco which is only worthwhile because they are fighting while balancing ON TOP OF PEOPLE'S HEADS. What? This show is crazy. I love it.

Yay! More Gabrielle and Xena love! Gabby rambles about excuses for why she is coming to sit at Xena's campfire. All I heard was, "Blah, blah, blah, I love you and I don't want to be without you." THEN! The sentence every budding baby dyke and seasoned lesbian can relate to, "I'm not the little girl that my parents wanted me to be." Been there Gabby. I feel ya.

Some adorable eye chemistry and smirks happen and the next morning they walk off together with the declaration of friendship. Where will it go from there? Tune in next week!