Alright! Last episode of the first season, and it's going to be a doozy. Let's get on with it shall we?
There is a very very weird opening sequence with a lot of fake fog and strange slow motion. Oh hey look! It's Ephiny the Amazon! She's preggers with a half CENTAUR baby and is about to pop. I don't even want to know how that is possible.
There's a war going on. I don't care about the details, all we need to know is that it's a war and there is lots of fighting and most likely Xena will stop it because that's what she does.
WHY is everything in this episode foggy and blurry? It is super annoying. Anyways, they get to a healing temple or something and the doctors here are completely failing in regards to health care. They're all, "Trust in the gods! Take them to the altar! Pray over them!" Basically they suck and everyone is dying. Xena shows them whats what by performing a tracheotomy with a hollow reed. SKILLS.
There are no good screen caps yet! This episode is, so far, very lame. Though, most season finales are kind of boring to me because they try to cram in a bunch of plot/cliff hangers and well... I find that stuff kind of boring!
Moving on, the doctors start listening to Xena's treatment methods, because she is superior, and now there is a bunch of boring plot and healing of people. Blah, blah, blah.
Xena: "I need a hollow reed and some kind of bladder."
Random Doctor Guy: "We slaughtered a pig this morning."
I found this dialogue exchange extremely amusing, and in lieu of anything remotely fun in this episode thus far, I'll take what I can get.
Finally! A useful screen cap of some gratuitous touching, as well as a demonstration of the painful blurry/foggy atmosphere we are subjected to during this ENTIRE episode.
A bunch more plot, and a bunch more of Xena saving people with her awesome skills. OH NOOOOOOOO! Gabby's been hit! She's all bloody and whimpering and barely breathing and Xena is freaking out and I'm freaking out and AHHHH!
Xena's sewing her up and Gabrielle is talking about dying and Renee O'Connor looks so miserable and it's hurting my heart even though I realize it's not real. She passes out from pain/lack of air and Xena starts blaming herself for them being in this situation.
The war is raging on and the temple is crumbling around them. On top of all of this, Ephiny goes into labor. Xena acts as midwife and performs an emergency C-Section and brings a freaking CENTAUR baby into life out of Ephiny's human womb. Which is just so horribly physically impossible, but I'm willing to overlook it because seeing a baby dressed up in a centaur costume is HILARIOUS.
NOOOOO! Gabby is having seizures and then she stops breathing! Some dumb asshole states that she's dead. "She's not dead. I wouldn't let her." Damn straight, Xena.
Xena performs mouth to mouth resuscitation despite everyone giving her pitying looks and trying to tell her it's useless. This is her SOUL MATE people. She's not just going to let her die.
The asshole from before tries to pull her away and tell her how Gabby is in a better place now. BULL SHIT random asshole! Xena feels the same way and viciously shoves him off of her and screams, "She's not dead! You don't know anything!"
Then she lifts Gabrielle up and starts shaking her. "Come on! Breathe! You've never run from anything in your whole life. Now, fight! Fight!"
Another guy tries to tell her that it's over, and to let Gabrielle cross over peacefully. Xena's face as she looks at him is just... oh man. Tragic.
You can see her starting to kind of believe him. Then she comes back to her senses and starts pounding on Gabby's chest screaming, "Don't leave me! Don't leave me!" And what do you know, Gabby wakes the hell up.
Xena's hand is over Gabby's heart, and all they do is stare at each other.
Soooooo Xena has stopped the war and one of the little doctor guys is writing down all of her health treatments and talking about teaching them and making all doctors take an oath. It just so happens that the doctor's name is Hippocrates. Basically, Xena is behind ALL historical landmarks. EVER.
We also get to see Ephiny's centuar baby again. I don't even have words for how happy this awful CG horse-baby makes me. It pretty much makes up for the awful first half of the episode.
Yay! Our heroes walk off to return next season with more subtexty goodness. Again, I'll be a little slower on recaps from now on because I'm starting up grad school. But I'm still going to crank out a few a week, so keep checking in!
*Being that war is hell, lots of people were harmed during the production of this motion picture (but since television is a dramatic medium of make believe, all casualties removed their prosthetic make-up and went home unscathed).*