Episode 25: Orphan of War

It's Friday!! YAY!! Which means I get a weekend of freedom (we're ignoring that homework thing) and I'm able to go back to my Xena extravaganza! First of all though, there is some important business to attend to. I made my lady THIS awesomeness for her birthday.

It is glorious and I felt the need to share. I am having a leftover piece as I type and it is oh so sugary and chock full of delicious artificial flavors... Mmmmm. It's pretty much a master piece. I gloat because normally I burn everything I attempt to create in the kitchen. But I've got this rainbow cake thing DOWN. So I'm pretty pleased with myself.

Anyways, on to more pressing matters. SEASON TWO!

Those centaurs, up to some sort of mischief again. We open on this episode with a BATTLE! Oh wait, that's not shocking. There's always some sort of war/battle/skirmish being fought.

Xena and the head centaur guy are having words. There's some history here.
She makes some cryptic comment about not being there for anything or anybody, right before a young New Zealand child flings himself out of a tree to attack her! Who could this young ragamuffin be? Probably someone important! Like Xena's SON!

Little Solan doesn't know Xena's his mom, in fact he thinks she killed his parents. He runs off all, "You've just met your greatest enemy." Um, kid? Have you SEEN Callisto? It's like a mosquito compared to a hammer head shark. He obviously has delusions of grandeur.

Sooooo we get some flashback about how Solan came to live with the centaurs and why he thinks Xena is a murderer and not his mom. Blah, blah, blah, there is so much of this back story about Borias and Solan and Xena's past and most of it is just not what I want to talk about right now! You all probably remember most of it anyways. Moving on!

Gabby is all, Um, Xena why didn't you tell me you had a freaking KID!? Xena's acting all pissy. They are having a little tiff.

Plooooot, ugh. So much plot! There's an evil guy with some horribly applied fake scar on his face. It looks like a flesh colored slug is trying to eat his eyeball. He's spying on Xena because he wants some special stone and Xena is there to try and stop him before he gets it.

More stuff about Solan and Borias and angry Xena and patient Gabrielle, always there for Xena even when she is treating her poor sidekick/soul mate like poo.

That face says, "Look Xena you can keep getting angry with me but I'm still going to tell you what's what because that's why I'm here. To be your conscious and brain and heart all at once. So deal with it." Oh, Gabby. How I love thee.

Blah, blah, blah Xena talks to Solan. He acts like a little butt head. Then Gabby talks to Solan but they get attacked and the little butt head gets kidnapped. In case you haven't noticed, Solan kiiiiind of annoys me.

It's OK though, because Xena saves him about five minutes later. Then they fall down a hole in the ground which is just so beautifully awful.

I mean, LOOK at it! You just don't see such brilliantly fail CG like that on TV anymore. It's a travesty.

Soooo they are walking around in the cave they just fell into. And what do you know? They found the place where that stone is! Xena calls for help by blowing into a hollow root? And making a trumpet noise... WHAT? I can not say enough how ridiculously spectacular this show is.

The trumpet root is sounding through the forest and the good centaurs are all, "What in Zeus' name is that?" Then Gabby responds with, "If you don't know, it must be Xena." HA! Oh, you two.

So Gabby and centaurs save Xena and Solan, but alas! The bad guy with slug scar got the stone! He boils it and drinks it... Ew. Then there are some creepy bone cracking and transforming noises, but we don't get to see what's happening. Hmmmm....

Bahaha! I love episodes with centaurs. The actors are so comical as they rock back and forth to imitate horses shifting from hoof to hoof. It's SO BAD.

Oh, hey! It's the evil guy! He's been transformed into a creepy giant centaur. Still, I think it's an improvement over his slug scar.

Fight, fight, fight, Xena saves the day! Then she has a nice little talk with Solan and tells him she's his friend. Well, Xena... technically your his mom. But I suppose she isn't ready to tell him that yet. Apparently this is a plot point.

Uuuuuuugh, that was a little painful to get through. Hopefully we'll have some more exciting ones this weekend. The Bacchae episode is coming up soon! And that will be fun times for all. Talk at you next time!

*No sleazy warlords who deem it necessary to drink magic elixirs that turn them into scaly centaurs were harmed during the production of this motion picture.*