Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Episode 28: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

As promised! Tonight I bring you... sexy vampire lesbian subtexty deliciousness! Let's get on with it shall we?

Joxer is dashing through the forest to some creepy music and growling wolves (which look remarkably like siberian huskies and german shepherds) and crazy sporadic camera motions! What could it be? BACCHAE that's what!

We learn all about Bacchus and his followers and the Bacchae women aka vampires from Gabby's very looooooong explanation. Very, very, very, LONG. I'm not going into it because it's not important to me at this moment in time.

Joxer has a package for Xena. It's a talking head!

Well, more like a screaming head. Do you not just adore these graphics? Seriously! Also, how awkward must this have been for the actors? HA!

There's a bunch of plot involving the talking head known as Orpheus who needs to get his stolen lyre back from the Bacchae. Blah, blah, blah, not interested! What I AM interested in is vampires, specifically gay ones. Let's get to that.

There's some glorious hip-hop playing as Gabby strolls through this party/orgy while a bunch of (here they come!) LESBIAN VAMPIRES hit on her! YAY!! She's totally getting into it too.

Meanwhile, Xena is breaking up a bacchae feeding frenzy. It looks like she might have been bit! Noooooo!

Gabrielle is still too busy being seduced by bacchae to notice anything.

Joxer "saves" her, but she isn't too happy about it. Hello! She was being dirty danced on by some half naked vampire women. Of course she's annoyed! I would be too.

Now Joxer is wigging out because he thinks Xena is about to turn into a bacchae. He tries to get Gabby in on his paranoia but she's not having any of it.

This episode has so many great little moments! Go and re-watch it! I can't begin to cover everything that is awesome. The music for one, is simply SPECTACULAR.

Sooooo the trio head to some graveyard because only driad bones can kill bacchae. Now, technically driads are mythological wood nymphs. Beautiful lady-like wood nymphs. But not in Xenaverse! NOPE! In Xenaverse driads are these.

NOT a wood nymph. Does this matter? Not at all! This is Xenaverse and history is simply a toy to be played with.

Anyways, they collect a bunch of driad bones after battling the terrifying wood nymphs. Then Xena finally tells Joxer, in no uncertain terms, that she is not a bacchae and that he is an idiot.

But... what's this? NOOOOO! Gabby is a bacchae! That's what happens when you let hot vampire chicks seduce you.

Also, she looks INSANE. What is up with this makeup art? It is ridiculously awesome in it's awfulness. So many adjectives!

Xena's all, "Gabrielle! It's alright I can help you!" Gabby is all bacchae crazed and flies off to find Bacchus. Xena's on a mission to save her lady now! Screw Orpheus! Though, we all know she'll save everyone in the end.

Joxer tries to kill Gabby! THAT FIEND! Xena saves her because DUH she is going to turn her back into human. Joxer is just stupid. But hilarious in his stupidity so I can't fault him too much. It's just fun to make fun of him. Moving on!

There's a sexy vampire lesbian dance thing happening. Bacchus is all, "It is time!"

Apparently the bacchae women need to drink his blood before they become OFFICIAL bacchae. Xena is trying to prevent this from happening so she can change Gabby back.

Don't do it Gabby!

Whew! That chakram came just in time! So Xena knocks the goblet out of Gabrielle's hands and proceeds to fend off the bacchae while Joxer heads to the get the lyre.

Fight, fight, fight, Gabrielle is about to drink from the goblet again... and just in time... Joxer starts to play the lyre! Apparently bacchae's can't handle the music and start curling up in the fetal position.

It doesn't last long though. Just long enough for Xena to save Gabby... BUT THEN the best thing on television ever happens.

Bacchus tells Gabby to bite Xena and make her one of them. Now, Xena could easily fend her off, but does she? NO. Why? Because this is hot, that's why.

It might also be because once Xena becomes a bacchae she totally kicks Bacchus' butt and kills him and everyone turns into a human again and Orpheus is no longer bodyless. Whatever, I think it's the other reason.

YAY! The day has been saved! With some sexy lesbian vampire action in the process.

Joxer is trying to tag along with our heroes but Gabby starts talking about fighting Medusa later and he turns tail and runs away. Here's the dialogue which follows after.

Gabby: "You know, you almost died trying to save me and I really want to do something to thank you."

Here is the way I interpret that dialogue.

Gabby: "I thoroughly enjoyed biting your neck earlier. You're sexy. How about we share a bedroll tonight and I can 'thank' you for saving my life?"

I like my version best. Besides, I'm not crazy! Look at the body language here. The eye chemistry, the smirks, the raised eyebrows, Gabrielle slowly leaning closer and closer to Xena as she talks. Body language! It's FACT.

*No bloodsucking bacchae were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, a few driads lost their heads.*


  1. Oh. I love this episode! Some parts of it really look like the beginning to a cheesy porno. And that's exactly what I love about it.


  2. Okay, i just have to say totally fuckin love your blog posts. Didn't think the announcement of the last "creation ent" x-con was going to affect me so much, but apparently i'm a bit more of a softy when it comes to xena (as opposed to the heartless banshee that i regularly am)

    Thank you for brightening up my week and as a bonus, scaring the crap out of my gf and i'm sure, my neighbors (from my obnoxious laughing)


  3. Aw, thank you! I'm glad I could facilitate the fear of obnoxious laughing. That's the best way to scare people because then they REALLY think your crazy xD

  4. And, Driz - I completely AGREE! The porno factor in this episode is EPIC and awesome.

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