Episode 45: Lost Mariner

So a friend of mine and I like to watch creepy movies together to scare the shit out of ourselves while drinking and yelling at the characters being stupid, and then we watch something else afterwards to act as a cleanser to take our minds off the spoopy, ANYWAY point is we've been working our way through the Pirates of the Caribbean movies as our cleansers for the last few weeks and this episode is reminding me of those films but BETTER because it's Xena. So that was a random intro, moving on!

Xena and Gabrielle have been in a ship wreck I guess?  And Gabby gets pulled on to this dude's ship, Seacrops? Weird name. Anyway, Xena isn't there so we assume she is alive and made it to an island or something because uh oh, apparently being on this guy's ship means you can never leave. We learn this when one of the other shipwrecked guys who got pulled on board tries to jump ship to escape and he gets deaded in a flash of green light. Gabby has a concern.

Can we take a moment to appreciate Renee's gorgeous eyes though? Ok back to the cursed ship. Gabrielle is apparently stuck on this ship until she dies but we know that's not gonna happen because Xena is totally going to rescue her sidekick/galpal/wife so OK SHOW GOOD TRY.

Speaking of our warrior princess, there she is now! Alive and safe on the island and immediately looking for ways to save her girl. First she has to battle some random bad guys for a reason I'm not really paying attention to. UGH this show, the wooshing sound effects when Xena just like... moves her head hahaha I love it.

Awww poor seasick Gabrielle stuck on a ship. So there's some gross sexism all "get in the kitchen and cook because you're a woman and I don't like my men to be distracted" Ummm okay asshole I hope Gabby barfs on you.

I'm having a hard time watching this because of the swaying, blegh, I am equally as motion sick as Gabrielle alright. It's just some boring plot about Seacrops and his curse and his treasure and blah blah blah I'm going to go make myself a cup of tea during this part.

Mmmm okay, tea in hand and back to this episode. So like any good curse, love will cure it. Also, Gabby and Xena see each other and it's adorable. Xena is trying to get onto the ship, not knowing it's cursed, and Seacrops and Gabrielle are trying to get the ship away from shore so she can't, but um hello it's Xena if she wants to do a thing she's gonna do the thing. So what does she do? Climb a tree with some arrows, perform some spectacular gymnastics, literally somersaulting through the air a billion feet, to land on the ship. See that speck? That's Xena laughing maniacally while tumbling end over end from that cliff side to that ship. Oh show, never change.

And all while Gabrielle looks on GIGGLING because she is just so smitten with her wife and her ridiculous antics and then immediately gives her a huge hug while Xena goes all protective Daddy mode and UGH YOU GUYS I CANT WITH THESE TWO.
  

Don't mind me, just gonna do a bunch of screenshots of these two reuniting and comforting each other.

And yeah obviously Xena already knew this was Seacrops and the cursed ship and she's all "I wasn't going to let you take off with my best friend." My little gay heart! Xena is ready to figure out this curse and the bad dudes from the island are ready to figure out how to get on the ship and steal the treasure and thus our plot is set.

Seacrops talks about his lady love, Xena shows Gabby how to alleviate her seasickness by jabbing a pressure point on her wrist, and more monologuing from Seacrops, man this guy can TALK. So much blah blah. Instead I find myself focusing on how BLUE Xena's eyes are in this lighting.

Then this adorableness happens. With her seasickness all better Gabrielle is having a tasty squid snack and if she isn't just the cutest thing ever, I don't know what is.

Oh look! Awful CGI Poseidon is back yay! He doesn't want Xena meddling with his cursed ship so he offers her and Gabrielle safe passage off but she turns it down because she wants to do everything the hard way.

Mooooore plot and so much talking. Also so much swaying and that wrist thing isn't working for me so I'm going to go heat up some veggie barley soup while I listen to all the blah blah instead of watch it.

Mmmm soup, and I'm back! Uh oh, there's a big storm and the ship is cap sizing! Forcing our ladies to snuggle! 

It also unfortunately crushes and kills one of the nice ship guys that Gabrielle had formed a friendship with. Poseidon is offering Seacrops some shifty deal where he says if he throws Xena into his big evil whirlpool he will let him and his men go free from the curse. Clearly Poseidon is fed up with Xena's meddling.

They've reached Poseidon's big bad whirlpool! Now they have to go around it...? I think? They definitely don't want to go in it. Oh and they are still being pursued by the bad dudes after treasure. Things are going really well clearly.

Man there is so much rocking and swaying in this episode! I feel like I'm only half watching because I keep having to look away! This ep should come with a warning label for those of us with motion sickness alright. Anyway, Seacrops does a good and refuses to throw Xena into the whirl pool and figures out how to solve the curse by displaying his love for others awwww good job buddy. He goes and sacrifices himself to Poseidon to save everyone else and break the curse.

But oh look Seacrops is alive and on land! Athena giving him immortality saved him I guess. He is all giggly about getting to walk on land, it is very cute. And everyone is safe and happy and maybe now we can not have some sea episodes for awhile please show??

*Cecrops' "Joie de Vivre" was not harmed during the production of this motion picture*

Oh wow I was spelling his name very wrong lol oh well! I'm not fixing it so... now I know whoops!