Episode 32: Ten Little Warlords

Right. So Xena is in Callisto's body which Gabrielle reminds us of right off the bat by asking Xena if she could maybe "dye her hair" to be less creepy. Ha! While your at it, get some blue contacts and cheek bone implants. Oh, and leg extensions and a boob job... I could go on, but I'll stop.

So yeah, this is kind of like a Where's Xena episode because Lucy Lawless is pretty much absent the whole time since she fractured her pelvis while filming a skit for The Tonight Show. A whole bunch of episodes were affected this season because of this. So expect a lot less of Xena fighting.

Anyways! Long story short, Callisto has been invited to attend a meeting of warlords, so Xena decides to go in pretending to be Callisto. Which is easy since for all intents and purposes she is.

By the way, Gabrielle is acting particularly fiesty and starts beating up on random townspeople. Then all the townspeople start beating up on each other. Hmmmmm.... Something is amiss.

Xena breaks up Gabby's little tantrum by grabbing her by the ear! So cute.

Xena drags her into a bar where Gabrielle immediately starts shouting for some alcohol. Then we see... Ares!! His hair is looking a little less fabulous.

That would be because he is smashed, as well as mortal. That's right! Someone stole his sword and took away his powers as a god. Ares promises to put Xena back in her own body if she will help him get his godhood back. She only agrees because Gabrielle is over at the bar, drunkenly beating up the bartender.

Gabby: (after attempting to put the pinch on the bartender) "Just so you know you only have thirty seconds to-" (the bartender starts to stand back up and she bashes him over the head with a bottle)

Bahahaha! That is hilarious.

The only way for Xena get her sweet Gabby back is to get Ares back into power as the god of war. Apparently everyone is hyper angry because Ares not being there throws things off balance, or something... Moving on!

Xena and Ares get in on the warlord meeting to figure out who stole his sword and get it back.

Blah, blah, blah, plot, plot, plot. The Warlords are all competing for Ares' stolen sword. They have to defeat some monster or something. Except really they are just killing each other off.

Gabby and Joxer have tagged along even though they were explicitly told by Xena to stay behind. Unfortunately Gabby never listens, and Joxer is just stupid. So here they are! Both are pretty much glorious because Gabrielle is all angry and crazy, and Joxer is, well, Joxer.

They are attempting to track down this monster we keep hearing about, because it keeps growling and apparently this makes Gabrielle even more angry.

Meanwhile Ares is trying to put the moves on Xena and she is ignoring him, as usual. Gabby and Joxer are more entertaining right now. Back to them!

Gabby: "Joxer, it pains me to tell you that all day long I have fantasized about RIPPING your heart out!"

Joxer tries to tell her that he is the "picture of self control" because he deals with the feelings of blood lust on a daily basis. You know, because he is such a mighty warrior and all. He then proceeds to go insane and tries to kill a fly with his sword.

Then he and Gabrielle laugh hysterically and maniacally, then start fist fighting. They come to a truce until after they have slain the monster though. Phew! Because those two fierce fighters would do so much damage to each other. (This is sarcasm).

Ares and Xena are still doing their boring sword hunting thing. There are a bunch of shenanigans happening. None of it is very entertaining.

Joxer and Gabby have completely cracked and THAT is entertaining. They are seriously insane.

They have also figured out that the so called monster is just a big noisy fan. Gabrielle is pissed because she wanted to kill a monster, so now she is off to figure out who made the fake monster and make them pay. Joxer runs after her whooping about how he killed the "monster". He stuck a piece of wood between the fan propellers....

Somehow the two crazies stumble upon Ares and Xena, whom by now have located the sword. Ares gets his godhood back, and his fabulous hair. Gabrielle and Joxer are back to their old selves. Aaaaaaand Xena is back in her own body! YAY!

Gabby: "Xena? It's you, right? Not Callisto?"
Xena: "It's me. Go on, test me!"

Gabby tests her by jumping her bones. You know, to make sure Xena's many skills are really hers. Just kidding! Gabby asks her some question that Xena answers correctly. My way is better.

Our heroes share a cuddle and walk off into the sunset to fight another day.


*No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap.*