Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Episode 34: The Xena Scrolls

Whoooo! Okay, I love this episode. I will probably be gushing the entire time. Why? Because any episode that takes Xenaverse into a different time period makes me happy. But also because Renee O'Connor is like... a bad ass female Indiana Jones, and Lucy Lawless looks REALLY good in this little get up she has going on.

I may or may not be a sucker for librarian glasses, red lipstick, and tight skirts... Moving on!

There is a gun showdown going down. It's really cool to see the roles reversed in this episode because Gabby's character is totally kick ass, and Xena's character is all proper and dainty.

Obviously they are not Gabby and Xena in this particular episode, buuuuut I'm going to keep calling them that. Because that's how I roll. Basically Gabby's character is an artifact hunter and Xena's character is there to translate ancient texts for her. They are searching for... THE XENA SCROLLS. I sense a reincarnation episode!

Oh, hey! It's Joxer! Or some silly French man who has a remarkable resemblance to him. I'm digging the mustache.

So they're all there to find the mythical Xena scrolls. There's also some evil Englishmen who is Gabby's character's rival. He's after the scrolls too. They all fall down a hole into an underground cavern. It's a party!

In another fun role switcheroo, Gabby's character tells everybody not to touch anything because of booby traps. Xena's character immediately proceeds to touch stuff and almost kills the French mustached Joxer.

Theeeeen they stumble upon a half of Xena's chakram! Xena's character is the only one who can pry it out of the stone (surprise, surprise) but OH NO! The evil British man has the other half! Hmmm... what to do?

Gabby's Indiana Jones character is going to kick some ass that's what. Of course, she takes a moment to shove Xena's attractive reincarnated body out of the way by touching her boobs. That's how I like to move sexy women out of harms way too!

Those two! Still getting their subtext on even when they are in a different time period. What can be said? Their souls just like to totally gratuitously touch each other.

Anyways, a battle ensues and Gabby's character triumphs, using none other than the ever useful rock slide. Man! The rocks in Xenaverse are like kryptonite to EVERYONE.

Unfortunately the British man bounces back quickly. It's okay though, because the two chakram pieces get reunited and out pops Ares! I'm never surprised when Ares crops up everywhere. He's like a weed. A weed with really fabulous hair.

Also, he kills British guy. And reveals that the French Joxer is not French at all! He's from New Jersey! Aw, there goes the mustache. It was sadly a stick on. There's a plot point as to why he was impersonating a French guy... but it's unclear and unimportant.

What IS important is that Xena is back! Somehow the reunification of the chakram has brought Xena's true soul to the surface of her previously dainty character. It's hot.
I really think it's the glasses you guys... I'm just really into those glasses. And the lipstick... Okay, I'm getting off track again.

She makes quick work of dispatching Ares and saving the day as usual. But then her Xena soul leaves and she's back to the dainty lady from before.

The Gabby character and the Xena character decide they are a pretty good team together (Duh) and ride off as partners in artifact hunting. Because their souls are drawn to each other like me to free Mexican food.

This episode ends with a fifty year leap to another Joxer look alike pitching the Xena scrolls to none other than Robert Tapert.

Because in Xenaverse, Xena is a real TV series based on real historical figures recorded in real ancient scrolls. It's glorious. I love this show.

*No Hollywood producers were harmed during the production of this motion picture.*

1 comment:

  1. great recap. somebody should tell gabby there's a thin line between getting her out of the way and copping a feel. lol. but of course who wouldn't want to cop a feel on all that