Episode 35: Miss Amphipolis

Woo! I am on a productive roll today! A bunch of annoying grad school homework done and a blog post tonight! Thank you, thank you, I will pat myself on the back. Okay, enough of my humble self, let's get to what we all really care about! BOOBS!

Xena and Gabby are walking along the beach because apparently Salmoneus (Yay!) sent for them, when all of a sudden a pack of scantily clad women come running across the sand in slow motion. There are close ups. Because this show knew who their audience was.

Totally random side note! I used to work in a used book store and we also had a small DVD collection for sale. We had just gotten in season four of Xena and this like, nine year old boy, grabs it off the shelf, starts practically hyperventilating, and runs to his mom and begs her to buy it for him. She was all, "Um, are you sure? Do you even know what this is about?" All he did was give her this extremely exasperated expression and say, "Mom. It's Xena. She's HOT." No joke, true story. Needless to say his mother did not end up buying the box set. I felt so bad for him! If my mom had denied me Xena, I would be heart broken. End totally random side note.

Where were we? Oh yeah, scantily clad women and slow motion boobs. They are being chased by some thugs but Xena and Gabby fight them off by throwing clams in their direction. The clams make little noises when they are flying through the air. It is glorious.

Xena and Gabrielle get all pissed off because apparently Salmoneus wants them to help figure out some mystery killer in a beauty pageant. Neither of them are fans of beauty pageants. Luckily Xena takes one for the team and decides to go undercover as none other than Miss Amphipolis. Gabby and Salmoneus' faces are great.

Salmoneus looks overly enthusiastic as always, and Gabby looks like she is trying to figure out if she's jealous of anyone else seeing her lady all dressed up, or if she's excited to see it herself. It's a beautiful thing.

Blah, blah, blah, Xena gets introduced to the other pageant ladies and most of them are all rude and bitchy. Gabrielle looks HILARIOUS as Xena's "sponsor" for the pageant. She also has some ridiculous accent. Yay comedy!

Xena is attempting to pass for a pageant contestant. She isn't very convincing, but it's okay because they all seem pretty fake. Meanwhile, Gabby is telling the other sponsors, all men, that they are dumb heads and she is awesome and her contestant is going to win. So there.

More plot stuff, all the contestants have some sort of noble reason for wanting to be in the pageant, blah, blah, blah. Someone locks Xena in the sauna to get rid of her. Ha! Like Xena can be gotten rid of so easily. She whips off her towel and uses it to boost herself out! Also we get this.

I feel only a minor amount of shame. But not really.

Anywaaaaays, Xena comes out for her first appearance in the pageant as Miss Amphipolis looking like this.

And Gabby looks like this.

Then bites her lip. I love this show.

In plot news, someone has discovered Xena's true identity! It's one of the other pageant contestants. It's a man! A drag queen to be precise.


He is also the one who locked her in the sauna. But only because he wanted to scare her off because he knew she knew about him. He's pretty much adorable and just wants to let his inner diva out. Xena is also adorable and tells him not to worry about her telling anyone, "May the best person win". Aw.

More plot... I don't care about the mystery killer in this episode. There are a lot of attractive women and subtext. These things are more important. Such as Xena's facial expressions as Gabby is helping her get dressed and then just so happens to do something off camera that may or may not be construed in subtextual ways...


Carrying on! More plot. Salmoneus is singing. The contestants are really bad dancers. Xena is annoyed.

There's something about a thug trying to out Xena as being Xena but the drag queen saves her by dressing in Xena's outfit. If that sounds confusing it's because it is, and it makes no sense.
Whatever. The five finalists are chosen! Among them our very own Xena and the fabulous queen.

By the way, they are all vying for the title of Miss Known World. That just cracks me up.

Gratuitous touching!!

Sooooooo Xena is given this hideous dress to wear for the final talent competition, but she spruces it up all fancy with her handy dandy knife. She has many skills.

Guuuuh so much boring plot. More contestants tell Xena their woes and why they entered this dumb competition. Xena makes them feel better, like she does. Xena saves another contestant from murder and sabotage, like she does. Xena captures the bad guy and saves the day, like she does. We move on to more exciting things. Like the winner of the first Miss Known World pageant!

Xena has withdrawn her name from the competition. Then another girl withdraws her name based on some moral reason or another. Then another opts out, and another, and another. Finally, the only one left, and the winner, is the adorable and fabulous queen! YAY!

This gives us an exciting moment of subtext wherein the winning queen pulls Xena into a kiss and Gabrielle does this.


I love it when they get all jealous.

Phew! Lots of screen caps in this one! There were just so many awesome things happening, I couldn't stop myself. Until next time Xenites!

*In loving memory of Keith K. Walsh.* (Keith Walsh was Chris Manheim's gay brother who died of AIDS complications and inspired Manheim to create the character of Miss Artiphys, the winning queen)