Gabrielle wakes up screaming and crying and she looks SO SAD and I just want to give her a giant hug.
She crawls over to what we all assume is Xena's coffin and basically tells her how much she misses her. This might be breaking the downer mood here, but when exactly did she get this intricately carved coffin with Xena's signature breast plate design on it?
Do they just carry it around in the event of emergencies? Ok, ok, I won't question the fallacies of Xenaverse. We could be here for years.
Some thugs happen upon Gabby and try to take Xena's body so they can sell it. You poor poor thugs. Gabby just lost her LLBFF. Now you have pissed her off. Pissed off Gabby is a force to be reckoned with.
She puts some hurt on the thugs and then Iolaus randomly shows up. He helps with the thug bashing then learns about Xena's death and starts crying. They discuss how much Xena meant to them and work through some grief and I'm sorry but it's really mushy and I don't really do mushy unless it's Xena and Gabby mushy. Moving on!
Side note, I love that Gabby is still walking beside Argo instead of riding her. Consistent characters! You're doing it right.
Amazons! They've come to pay their respects to Xena's body. Ephiny! I always love me some Ephiny. There's a new Amazon here and Ephiny's face gets really angry looking as soon as she starts speaking so I'm going to trust Eph's judgement and assume this Amazon is a jerk. Plus, you know, I know she is a jerk.
Now, personally I LOVE Melinda Clarke (jerk Amazon aka Velasca). But only because she was really really attractive and kick ass in that one Firefly episode. She's not so much in Xena... mainly because in Firefly she has more meat on her bones. I like my women a little curvier and softer, what can I say? Also, as Velasca she is less kick ass, and more crazed bitch. Ok, end tangent. I'm doing a lot of those today... Sorry!
Finally! Bruce! He's stealing some sort of dagger. In the midst of his escape, we hear a strange ethereal Xena yell. The he starts convulsing as if someone is jerking his puppet strings. Hmmmm, I wonder who it could be??
Meanwhile there is a bunch of plot happening amidst the Amazons and Velasca's crazyness. Gabrielle is set on taking Xena home to bury her next her brother like she wanted. Ephiny wants her to stay and give Xena an Amazon burial then challenge Velasca and take her place as Queen. DECISIONS!
Bruce is freaking out about his body hijacking. He tries to get drunk but Xena steps in and starts talking to him from within his head. She wants him to steal her body away from the Amazons. He thinks he's going crazy. He looks a little crazy...
The comedic acting here is absolutely SPLENDID. Oh hey! It's Xena! In a bucket of water, and apparently naked. She explains the plan to Bruce and off they go!
Gabby has decided to give Xena an Amazon burial and take over as Queen. She looks a little unhappy about it though.
Bruce sneaks into the Amazon village and starts the process of stealing Xena's body. He's dressed as an Amazon. He has a fuzzy stomach. It's fantastic.
Sooooo Gabby is about to accept the role of Queen and Velasca FREAKS out and throws a knife at her. Then starts complaining about how she should be Queen. Gabrielle is not having any of it. She's still grieving guys, therefore she is PISSED. She chases Velasca off, accepts Queen status, then goes to visit her dead soul mate to tell her it's time to let her go. We all scream NOOOOOOO!
Now, I know it's just Xena's coffin buuuut I'm still going to call gratuitous touching, because Gabby is totally feeling it up.
Uh oh. Gabby walks in on Bruce trying to steal Xena's body! She jumps to the conclusion that he's doing it for his own selfish reasons. He attempts to explain to her that Xena is inside his body, even though Xena warns him not to try and explain. Both the ethereal Xena voice and Gabby tell him he's pathetic, one right after the other. It's hilarious.
So they are about to light Xena's body on fire for the Amazon burial, but out pops Bruce/Xena! She has momentarily seized control and this means we get to see Bruce Campbell do the Xena yell and flips, plus chakram action. Pretty much the best thing ever.
Gabrielle is on to it! Of course she recognizes it's Xena in Bruce's body! Soul mates duh.
Velasca uses Gabby chasing off after Bruce/Xena as an excuse to say she's a traitor and take control of the Amazon's again. Cause she's a jerk.
Now we have some spectacular subtext. Xena takes control of Bruce again and starts talking to Gabby. She tells her to close her eyes tightly and think of her. They are magically transported to some sort of smoky afterlife place? I dunno. The important part is how cute they are as Gabby tells Xena she can't lose her again. And Xena tells Gabby she'll always be with her. THEN THEY KISS. Kinda...
Right before their lips touch it cuts to Bruce and Gabby kissing instead. Booooo I say. They break away all confused. Well, Bruce is confused, Gabby looks disappointed cause they aren't real Xena lips. Then we get this fun subtextual exchange.
Bruce: "Well, I hope you two... worked things out."
Gabby: "We did, thank you. I mean that."
Bruce: "Oh certainly. Whatever's necessary, I'm here for you both."
Gabby: "Autolycus? Get your hand off my butt."
Psh, you know that was Xena's hand and he just "forgot" to move it when he got control of his body back. Xena uses his own fist to punch him in the head for touching her woman, even though it's kind of unfair because she did hijack his body to make out with her. I'm just sayin'.
Looooots of plot. Velasca is crazy, she wants the ambrosia that Xena is trying to get, so she can turn herself into a god. Fighting ensues. Oh, and Xena is inside Gabrielle's body now. So many innuendos, so little time.
Fight, fight, fight, Gabrielle defeats Velasca and catches some ambrosia in her bra which she then feeds to Xena. With some weird connections, I basically have come to the conclusion that Xena woke up because of Gabby's succulent breasts.
Xena's back! Gabby's happy! Gratuitous touching ensues! Oh, and Velasca sneakily managed to get some ambrosia... but that's for next episode.
*Xena's body was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, it took weeks for Autolycus to get his swagger back.*