Hm I might try this whole twitter thing again... just throwing that out there. Mostly because I just want to follow everyone from Wynonna Earp because they are all adorable and I love them. Hey, by the time I finish Xena, Wynonna Earp will be retro right....? Whatever I make my own rules here. Oh, but I want to do Lost Girl too.... so much to think about! Ok, ok, back to Xena. These two really shouldn't be so cute just wandering through a market discussing the merits of shopping for fun vs necessity but yet THEY ARE.
Also that apple Gabby is eating looks really delicious and now I want an apple and don't have one boooo. So Gabrielle is shopping and haggling and it is adorable but then some thugs interrupt her fun RUDE and kidnap her! Haha "irritating little blond" I love that this is a nickname for her by various people. Thug guy tells Xena he killed Gabby and is now gonna kill her and she is like BITCH WHAT YOU SAY boy I'd be scared if I were you. And obviously we all know Gabby isn't actually dead okay you just shut your mouth.
Ugh this fanboy thug is obnoxious. Fight, fight, fight, Xena is kicking weirdo fanboy thug's butt, naturally. Apparently he is obsessed with her or something. She bests him and is all where's my girlfriend asshole I know she isn't dead because you're stupid. He's being obnoxious so she puts the pinch on him and he still refuses to talk and Xena isn't gonna let him die while she still doesn't know where Gabrielle is, then he boasts about it like the weird creepy fanboy he is blegh when can he go away already?
Oh yeah, during the fight, Xena got oil in her eyes that has sumac in it and apparently that is an important thing because they keep talking about it. I don't remember why but I'm sure we will figure it out soon (probably has something to do with blindness by context clues). Xena and I are equally annoyed by stupid fanboy thug and his stupid mouth making sounds as she drags him around.
Gabrielle got sold by thug fanboy to some dude who is apparently obsessed with Gabby's look which is super creepy and now she is in some weird arranged marriage. But hey we get this hilariously flamboyant extra who is tasked with making Gabby into queen material. This show is so GAY. I love it.
Oh good more fighting. Also we start to see Xena going blind oh noooooes. What will she dooooo? Thug fanboy goes on and on about how she's useless now, forgetting that duh she is XENA and has many skills.
Ok back to Gabby and the flamboyant make over guy trying to make her more lady like, their dynamic is spectacular. "We can cover up this peasant muscle." Um excuse me are you referring to those very sexy abs Renee has going on? Also, please, her awkward attempt at a curtsy is everything.
Some plot about Xena needing to rinse her eyes with some fancy solution within 24 hours or she will be permanently blind but instead of doing that she is going off to save Gabby like she do. More plot about this weird arranged marriage, but instead we are going to focus on Gabrielle's "She's All That" makeover and how silly she is trying to walk in this dress and those shoes and tripping all over herself constantly.
Ha! I love these lady like lessons happening with Gabrielle and this guy. Random side note about my life - my mom made me attend "finishing classes" when I was in middle school because I wasn't lady like enough I guess (spoiler alert mom it didn't work) and the people teaching them really were eerily similar to this guy. Sooooo over the top with phrases like "your hand should flutter out like a graceful butterfly". This is really bringing me back to awful ballroom dancing lessons and posture practice and lessons in being "demure" or whatever. Memories of being a baby gay in the south - good times.
Then this dialogue happens...
Gabby: Have you ever been in love? I mean really in love?
Flamboyant guy: Well... there was a certain someone.
Gabby: Now you think of that person, can you imagine being with anyone else?
Flamboyant guy: *shakes head*
Gabby: Well now you know how I feel. I can't marry the king because my heart belongs to another. And even though I can't be with them now, I'm not ready to be with anyone else.
UH HUH we all know who that is Gabrielle. Okay so maybe it could be argued that she said "him" instead of "them" but it's hard to tell and I am going to go with them because I CAN and I make the rules around here.
Gabrielle finds out the king is actually all deaded and stuff. Ewwww... and that she is gonna be bride sacrificed, what fun.
It's okay Gabby, Xena is on her way! Blindly throwing her chakram around and catching it again using her listening skills before it chops thug fanboy's head off, much to my dismay. I don't know what it is about this guy but he just has a very punchable face.
He and Xena have a heart to heart about how annoying he is because he pretends to be some bad ass when he actually is just an obnoxious baby man. Maybe that's not exactly how it goes but that's my take away. So off they go to save Gabby from this very bizarre dead guy wedding where for some reason Gabby gets wine gratuitously spilled on her boobs? I mean... I'm not maaaaad about it, but it's fucking weird.
Uh oh, Gabby is locked into a coffin and about to be incinerated alive! Xena to the rescuuuuue. A fantastic fight scene ensues, with blind Xena still kicking everyone's butts , backhanding dude's like it ain't no thang. Gabrielle is starting to legit burn alive though so she really needs to hurry it up. Phew!
Gabrielle learns Xena is blind but luckily our favorite flamboyant make up artist grows exactly the cure she needs in his garden so Gabby helpfully caresses her face and drips it into her eyes. Very helpfully.
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