Episode 43: Ulysses

Hopping right on in, Xena humoring Gabby will always be a favorite. After "stopping to smell the flowers" at Gabby's urging for Xena to experience some peace, Xena instead finds a battle because of course she does.

Oh no I think this might be a boy of the week episode. Booooo. Xena helps save Ulysses and they have a *gag* moment and Gabby does a great representation of me.

Plot plot plot, Ulysses needs to get back home to his kingdom and amazing CGI Poseidon won't let him.

Xena is a CELEBRITY ya'll. Poseidon, God of the Sea, is all "You stay out of this Xena, my nephew Ares may have a fondness for you but I won't be so patient with you meddling." Like how cool is it that all the gods are like, oh yeah that Xena chick. Another gratuitous Poseidon pic while they talk about all the boring plot reasons Xena and Gabrielle are about to set out for sea to help Ulysses get home? Yes.

Definitely a boy of the week episode. We hear all about how great Ulysses is and "what a man" he is, and his poor sob story about his wife being dead even though I'm pretty sure from my middle school mythology his wife isn't actually dead.

So they take over a pirate ship using Gabrielle as a sexy dancing distraction. 

Xena's face when she climbs up onto the boat and sees Gabby dancing is EVERYTHING.

I also really appreciate that while Gabby is dancing for these dudes she also is beating them up, like oops I just happened to punch you in the face with my sexy dancing, hahaha. Amazing. So they kick all the pirates off and steal their ship and off they gooooo. But not before Ulysses takes an arrow to the shoulder trying to save Gabby which is noble and all but Xena would have saved her with her chakram which she tried to tell him but he was all no I'm a man and will do the man thing. So he did the man thing and got shot - typical.

Also, of course Xena knows how to sail a ship too duh she has many skills. There's some moment here where Xena and Ulysses are talking and he's shirtless and she's cleaning his wound and it's supposed to be sexy I guess but I'm very very gay so I'm just ignoring this whole deal. Some plot about Ulysses fancy bow that only he can shoot and yes my mythology knowledge is coming back to me.

Uh oh, poor Gabby is getting seasick. I feel you girl. ME TOO. Honestly just the camera movements in this episode trying to mimic the sway of the ocean is making me feel a little ill. Good old sea sickness. I really like the majestical ocean music playing over the sound of Gabby puking.

Poseidon is angryyyy and sets a storm on the ship while they are also trying to get past the sirens who are currently twirling around a shell with Poseidon's face in it. This show man.

So the sirens start to sing their luring song to Ulysses trying to get him to wreck on their islands, but Xena is ahead of them and has tied that dude up already so he doesn't act like an idiot, but he busts out because he is an idiot anyway.

He and Xena fight so he doesn't kill everybody in his siren induced insanity, but Xena has a great idea and just sings louder than the sirens and it's like a Pitch Perfect song battle which Xena clearly wins. What can't she do??

Ulysses is thirsty AF and clearly wants Xena to be his new wife in Ithica and is all I'm falling in love with you, stay and live with me and like I get it man, I'd be thirsty for Xena too, but she already has a lady love so I guess try and shoot your shot man. Ew they kiss and poor Gabby is sickly laying in a hammock nearby and is SO SAD. Don't worry Gabs, he's just boy of the week.

The next morning Gabrielle and Xena have a heart to heart and basically profess their love for each other while masking it in some dumb conversation about Xena and Ulysses. Gabrielle gets to dry land and kisses the ground like the cutie she is.

Ulysses is all excited to be back in Ithica and keeps talking about every random tree and boulder that he has memories about. They fight off some thugs and Ulysses meets an old friend of his. Some plot blah blah blah, we find out that Ulysses' wife is still alive. What I want to note though is that I really like that Gabrielle is starting to fight more in the battles. Her evolution as a fighter is really great and I haven't been commenting on it that much but over the past few episodes she has been getting more and more involved in the fighting and you can see her developing her skills as she learns from Xena.

Ok so back to plot, the bow that Ulysses talked about before comes into play because his wife is all, whoever can string this bow will be my new king, blah blah, there is some angst between Ulysses and Xena and he's like no I'll abandon my kingdom and wife and come travel with you and Gabrielle and she's like uh no, no thanks. I like my life the way it is. She leans hard into the, I was just spewing mushy garbage I'm not into you, and it's obvious she was into him but is pushing him away so he makes the right decision. Xena is such a good, plus it helps she has a cute little bad ass wife to make her feel better.

He's struggling to actually string this bow because yeah it's been YEARS so Xena is sneakily there in the clinch and helps him get it done. So really Xena rewrites all of mythology ever and that's just canon everyone I don't make the rules. Fight fight fight, aaaaand the good guys win.

Ulysses keeps trying to profess his love to Xena and leave his wife and she's all BUDDY get the hint. I said no. Byyyeeeeee. And our ladies sail away. Ooooh I need a good Xena/Gabby pirates AU fanfic.... I'll have to go hunt one down.

*Despite Gabrielle's incessant hurling, Ulysses' ship was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.*