Episode 34: The Xena Scrolls

Whoooo! Okay, I love this episode. I will probably be gushing the entire time. Why? Because any episode that takes Xenaverse into a different time period makes me happy. But also because Renee O'Connor is like... a bad ass female Indiana Jones, and Lucy Lawless looks REALLY good in this little get up she has going on.

I may or may not be a sucker for librarian glasses, red lipstick, and tight skirts... Moving on!

There is a gun showdown going down. It's really cool to see the roles reversed in this episode because Gabby's character is totally kick ass, and Xena's character is all proper and dainty.

Obviously they are not Gabby and Xena in this particular episode, buuuuut I'm going to keep calling them that. Because that's how I roll. Basically Gabby's character is an artifact hunter and Xena's character is there to translate ancient texts for her. They are searching for... THE XENA SCROLLS. I sense a reincarnation episode!

Oh, hey! It's Joxer! Or some silly French man who has a remarkable resemblance to him. I'm digging the mustache.

So they're all there to find the mythical Xena scrolls. There's also some evil Englishmen who is Gabby's character's rival. He's after the scrolls too. They all fall down a hole into an underground cavern. It's a party!

In another fun role switcheroo, Gabby's character tells everybody not to touch anything because of booby traps. Xena's character immediately proceeds to touch stuff and almost kills the French mustached Joxer.

Theeeeen they stumble upon a half of Xena's chakram! Xena's character is the only one who can pry it out of the stone (surprise, surprise) but OH NO! The evil British man has the other half! Hmmm... what to do?

Gabby's Indiana Jones character is going to kick some ass that's what. Of course, she takes a moment to shove Xena's attractive reincarnated body out of the way by touching her boobs. That's how I like to move sexy women out of harms way too!

Those two! Still getting their subtext on even when they are in a different time period. What can be said? Their souls just like to totally gratuitously touch each other.

Anyways, a battle ensues and Gabby's character triumphs, using none other than the ever useful rock slide. Man! The rocks in Xenaverse are like kryptonite to EVERYONE.

Unfortunately the British man bounces back quickly. It's okay though, because the two chakram pieces get reunited and out pops Ares! I'm never surprised when Ares crops up everywhere. He's like a weed. A weed with really fabulous hair.

Also, he kills British guy. And reveals that the French Joxer is not French at all! He's from New Jersey! Aw, there goes the mustache. It was sadly a stick on. There's a plot point as to why he was impersonating a French guy... but it's unclear and unimportant.

What IS important is that Xena is back! Somehow the reunification of the chakram has brought Xena's true soul to the surface of her previously dainty character. It's hot.
I really think it's the glasses you guys... I'm just really into those glasses. And the lipstick... Okay, I'm getting off track again.

She makes quick work of dispatching Ares and saving the day as usual. But then her Xena soul leaves and she's back to the dainty lady from before.

The Gabby character and the Xena character decide they are a pretty good team together (Duh) and ride off as partners in artifact hunting. Because their souls are drawn to each other like me to free Mexican food.

This episode ends with a fifty year leap to another Joxer look alike pitching the Xena scrolls to none other than Robert Tapert.

Because in Xenaverse, Xena is a real TV series based on real historical figures recorded in real ancient scrolls. It's glorious. I love this show.

*No Hollywood producers were harmed during the production of this motion picture.*

Episode 33: A Solstice Carol

We open on a very very angry king. He's all grumpy because he hates the winter solstice. We'll call him Scrooge King.

Gabby and Xena are wandering around shopping for gifts to give each other. Gabby is being all super adorable and laying down the ground rules like no peeking, no spying on the other one shopping, and nothing more than five dinars. Xena is having none of it, and is all, "Why don't I just give you five dinars so you can buy something you really want?" Oh, you two. They are such the married couple.

Blah, blah, blah, we figure out the grumpy Scrooge King has banned all forms of Solstice celebration and Gabby and Xena stumble upon some orphans who need help because they were caught celebrating by the Scrooge King's guards.

Xena takes out the guards by gift wrapping them with her chakram. Gabby makes that little gift wrapping joke and Xena looks at her like she's crazy. Again, adorable old married couple.

Sooooo we find out this guy who works for the king doesn't really agree with him and actually used to be a toy maker. His name is Senticles. Hmmmmm... sounds familiar. Anyways, Gabby reminisces about this old lamb toy she used to have that she loved and then lost. Awwwwww.

More plot. Plot, plot, plot. All we need to know is that the old king is Scroogey because he lost his wife. Now they have to fix his heart and make him find happiness again. Cue the three spirits!

Xena and Gabby are having a little alone time while concocting their plan.

They really just love touching each others arms for extended periods of time for absolutely no reason. I always do that with my BFF whom I have no romantical feelings for. Oh, wait...

Oh, Gabby. She's given dinars to go off and get costumes for their plan, but instead she ends up buying a donkey to save his life so his ex-owner doesn't take him to the tannery. Granted, he is a pretty cute donkey. And his name is Tobias, which is adorable.

Blah, blah, blah, lots more plot. Let's focus on the adorable face Xena makes at Gabby when she tells her about the donkey she spent all of their money on.

Gabby's big soft heart is one of the main reasons Xena loves her. Even if it is always getting them into trouble.

Moving on! The spirits have started their work. Xena is dressed up as the fate of the past. She's hilarious with the comedic acting as she drags the king through his past life. Then we get to see Gabrielle dressed up as his long gone wife. Also equally hilarious with the comedy.

Next, we get to see the fate of the present. Also Xena with a new voice and even more hilarity. Lucy Lawless is so great with voices!

Meanwhile Senticles, Gabby, and Tobias are wandering around like the three stooges. Senticles has put on a disguise (made of a white beard and red suit) and has a bag of toys to give to the kids. Yay!!

D'aw, okay these little New Zealand kids singing a Solstice carol are ADORABLE. Just as a side note.

Still, the Scrooge King's heart hasn't softened yet! Aaaand some soldiers are attacking the orphanage. Senticles and Gabby get by the guards by going down the chimney... Oh this show.

In the spirit of Home Alone, Xena takes on all the guards by using the toys from Senticles' bag of goodies. There is a Hercules puppet...

Yay! Guards are defeated and it turns out the grumpy kings wife left him because he was acting like a jerk. She also happens to be the head of the orphanage and they are reunited when he apologizes for acting like a big grump and vows to turn his life around.

Later, Xena and Gabby run into a couple with a baby and Gabby gives them Tobias to ride since they have a long journey ahead of them. The woman's name is Mary. The baby starts glowing... Xena and Gabby are responsible for ALL religions. True fact.

Last but not least, Xena gives Gabby her Solstice present. It's the little lamb toy she used to have. Awwwwww!

Gabby: "I don't have a gift for you!"
Xena: "Gabrielle, you are a gift to me."

*Senticles was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several chimney's are in dire need of repair.*

Episode 32: Ten Little Warlords

Right. So Xena is in Callisto's body which Gabrielle reminds us of right off the bat by asking Xena if she could maybe "dye her hair" to be less creepy. Ha! While your at it, get some blue contacts and cheek bone implants. Oh, and leg extensions and a boob job... I could go on, but I'll stop.

So yeah, this is kind of like a Where's Xena episode because Lucy Lawless is pretty much absent the whole time since she fractured her pelvis while filming a skit for The Tonight Show. A whole bunch of episodes were affected this season because of this. So expect a lot less of Xena fighting.

Anyways! Long story short, Callisto has been invited to attend a meeting of warlords, so Xena decides to go in pretending to be Callisto. Which is easy since for all intents and purposes she is.

By the way, Gabrielle is acting particularly fiesty and starts beating up on random townspeople. Then all the townspeople start beating up on each other. Hmmmmm.... Something is amiss.

Xena breaks up Gabby's little tantrum by grabbing her by the ear! So cute.

Xena drags her into a bar where Gabrielle immediately starts shouting for some alcohol. Then we see... Ares!! His hair is looking a little less fabulous.

That would be because he is smashed, as well as mortal. That's right! Someone stole his sword and took away his powers as a god. Ares promises to put Xena back in her own body if she will help him get his godhood back. She only agrees because Gabrielle is over at the bar, drunkenly beating up the bartender.

Gabby: (after attempting to put the pinch on the bartender) "Just so you know you only have thirty seconds to-" (the bartender starts to stand back up and she bashes him over the head with a bottle)

Bahahaha! That is hilarious.

The only way for Xena get her sweet Gabby back is to get Ares back into power as the god of war. Apparently everyone is hyper angry because Ares not being there throws things off balance, or something... Moving on!

Xena and Ares get in on the warlord meeting to figure out who stole his sword and get it back.

Blah, blah, blah, plot, plot, plot. The Warlords are all competing for Ares' stolen sword. They have to defeat some monster or something. Except really they are just killing each other off.

Gabby and Joxer have tagged along even though they were explicitly told by Xena to stay behind. Unfortunately Gabby never listens, and Joxer is just stupid. So here they are! Both are pretty much glorious because Gabrielle is all angry and crazy, and Joxer is, well, Joxer.

They are attempting to track down this monster we keep hearing about, because it keeps growling and apparently this makes Gabrielle even more angry.

Meanwhile Ares is trying to put the moves on Xena and she is ignoring him, as usual. Gabby and Joxer are more entertaining right now. Back to them!

Gabby: "Joxer, it pains me to tell you that all day long I have fantasized about RIPPING your heart out!"

Joxer tries to tell her that he is the "picture of self control" because he deals with the feelings of blood lust on a daily basis. You know, because he is such a mighty warrior and all. He then proceeds to go insane and tries to kill a fly with his sword.

Then he and Gabrielle laugh hysterically and maniacally, then start fist fighting. They come to a truce until after they have slain the monster though. Phew! Because those two fierce fighters would do so much damage to each other. (This is sarcasm).

Ares and Xena are still doing their boring sword hunting thing. There are a bunch of shenanigans happening. None of it is very entertaining.

Joxer and Gabby have completely cracked and THAT is entertaining. They are seriously insane.

They have also figured out that the so called monster is just a big noisy fan. Gabrielle is pissed because she wanted to kill a monster, so now she is off to figure out who made the fake monster and make them pay. Joxer runs after her whooping about how he killed the "monster". He stuck a piece of wood between the fan propellers....

Somehow the two crazies stumble upon Ares and Xena, whom by now have located the sword. Ares gets his godhood back, and his fabulous hair. Gabrielle and Joxer are back to their old selves. Aaaaaaand Xena is back in her own body! YAY!

Gabby: "Xena? It's you, right? Not Callisto?"
Xena: "It's me. Go on, test me!"

Gabby tests her by jumping her bones. You know, to make sure Xena's many skills are really hers. Just kidding! Gabby asks her some question that Xena answers correctly. My way is better.

Our heroes share a cuddle and walk off into the sunset to fight another day.


*No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap.*

Episode 31: Intimate Stranger

Woooo! One finals week down! Onward to more Xena!

So we start off with Gabby and Xena sneaking about in the woods like some horny teenagers. They may or may not be following some bad guys, but by the eye goggling and gratuitous touching, I'm sticking with the previous hypothesis.

Xena is seeing things. Her mom randomly pops up in the middle of the woods, totally killing the mood by the way. Hold up! It's Ares! Of course it is. He's giving her crap for letting Callisto die on purpose. The usual mind trips. Let's enjoy the fabulous hair!

Xena's having one of those creepy dream within a dream within a dream things. Cue dramatic Inception music. Though, one of her dreams does give us this glorious little screen shot.

Caption it as you wish. I leave it to your imagination.

Anyways, we move on to find Joxer in yet another predicament. Luckily Xena and Gabby are there to save him yet again. Well, kind of.

Joxer is all, "Hello? Hellooooooo! Right behind ya!" Gabrielle and Xena continue to ignore him and discuss camping arrangements before starting to walk away amidst Joxer's protests.


Xena: "Calm down, Joxer. We saw you."
Joxer: "Great. Well you think you can cut me down without dropping me flat on my face?"
Xena: (grins) "No."

Ha! Love it. Uh-oh. Xena is seeing things again, this time it's Callisto and she decides to follow her. She winds up in some strange cave which is utilizing quite a lot of fake fog.

Xena thinks she is still in a dream BUT WAIT! Callisto and Ares are working together! Callisto's spirit takes over Xena's body! NOOOOOOOO! I really love this episode. Mostly because Lucy Lawless has to imitate Hudson Leick and vice versa. It's pretty awesome watching them pretend to be each other. Glorious acting!

GABBY! She doesn't realize what's going on and Callisto as Xena is totally messing with her head. Argo by the way is the only one catching on.

Meanwhile, Xena as Callisto is telling Hades what happened so she can go back to Earth and try to save her body from Callisto. He gives her one day to set things right.

Blah, blah, blah, Callisto is screwing with Gabby's head some more. Poor Gabby. She's so confused! Future Gabrielle would never have fallen for this act, she would have known it wasn't Xena right away. Unfortunately our heroes are still in the getting to know each other stage of their relationship.

Breast Dagger sighting!! Callisto as Xena straps it to the end of Gabby's staff. Not exactly the best way the Breast Dagger has ever been used, but I still love it anyways.

Blah, blah, blah more Ares and Callisto mind games. NO! ARGO! Callisto is being the evil bitch she is and slices Argo up. Now she has gone TOO FAR! You don't mess with Argo. Luckily Xena as Callisto comes along and is able to save her loyal horse, after having to convince Joxer of who she is.

Aw, Joxer. He has such a good heart. He knows Callisto could easily kill him, yet he doesn't even hesitate to put himself in danger just to protect Xena's horse.

Moving on! Xena and Callisto fight! Watching Lawless and Hudson try to imitate each other's fighting styles is so great. Xena gets the upper hand but then Gabrielle comes along and thinks Xena is actually Callisto and is about to kill her. Buuuuut Xena convinces her otherwise with her many skills. Unfortunately the real Callisto gets away again.

Oh man, now Callisto is messing with Xena's mom! Xena is so going to kick her ass. Ares is getting pissed with Callisto because she isn't following his well thought out plan. What did you think was going to happen Ares? This is Callisto. She doesn't follow plans.

Xena, Gabby, and Joxer to the rescue! More fighting ensues. Xena manages to knock Callisto out so they now have to fight in the dream world, where Xena can take her out. More fighting, blah, blah, blah. Then Xena starts driving Callisto crazy by making her face her guilt. Yay! Xena saves the day!

One teensy weensy draw back though. Xena is still caught in Callisto's body. Can I just say how weird it is seeing Gabrielle hug Callisto? I mean, I realize it's really Xena but it is still extremely weird.


I don't think this lasts very long though. Not more than a few episodes, then she'll be back to the Lucy we all know and love.

*Argo was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, she is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to help her work through her resentment and feelings of distrust toward Xena.*

Episode 30: Warrior...Princess...Tramp...

Yay! Another Xena lookalike episode! Now stay with me because this episode is going to get a little confusing.

We get to see Princess Diana again, she has a baby and the king is dying. This means they need Xena... I'm not sure why either.

Anyways, Joxer is in a bar bragging about how spectacular he is and how many times he has saved Xena, Gabby comes along and sets him right by punching him in the arm. THEN they start quibbling about where Xena is because they both saw her somewhere different. Hmmmmm....

Then we do see Xena, sitting in the castle drinking wine and stealing a spoon with her boobs. Um?

Then Gabby comes in telling her they need to work on communication and Xena throws her in the dungeon! You should be suspicious by now.

It's MEG! She's basically some promiscuous bar maid this evil guy is using to get to Diana and rule the kingdom. The usual. I love Meg! She's hilarious and goofy and CRAZY. Lucy Lawless plays her to perfection.

Moving on! The real Xena gets to the bar she was supposed to be meeting Gabby at, and obviously something is amiss. Thugs attempt to attack her - FAIL! She pulls the old fire breathing trick! Lucy Lawless is so cool.

Meanwhile, Meg is practicing being Xena in the mirror and it's HILARIOUS.

"The name's Xena! That's Xena, with a capital Z!"

That's just great stuff right there.

Then Joxer comes to the castle to apologize to Xena for spreading rumors about her and him being intimate. Except they're NOT rumors because Joxer really does think he slept with Xena because he slept with Meg pretending to be Xena! Don't ask me why but Meg is obsessed with Joxer. It's kind of cute I must admit. Plus there is a whole bunch of sexual innuendos happening and Ted Raimi is being all adorable.

Unfortunately for Joxer, Diana comes along the hall just after he managed to resist Meg, but since he doesn't know Xena has two lookalikes, he thinks it's Xena again in a different dress and grabs her ass. Into the dungeon he goes!

OI! This episode is crazy. Now we have Meg pretending to be Diana in order to throw off the real Xena who just arrived in the castle.

Gabby is getting increasingly pissed off and a little crazy because no one is telling her what's going on or if her getting thrown in the dungeon is part of the plan or not.

Meg as Diana is attempting to stay in character by rocking the baby to sleep and singing a lullaby. Her lullaby is the classic "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". Oh, Meg. How I adore thee.

Lucy Lawless is so great at comedy! Seriously, every single episode with a Xena lookalike is just fantastic. There are so many great little moments.

Joxer is now hanging out in Diana's room because Meg as Diana made Joxer think she was in love with him too. Poor Joxer, he just can't catch a break! The real Xena comes into the room and Joxer gets his ass kicked for coming on to her, But luckily they both figure out who Meg is and head down to the dungeon to get Gabby out.

Gabby has gone nuts. "I know what the plan is, you're trying to drive me INSANE!"

Did I mention how much I also adore Renee O'Connor's comedic talent? Because I do! These ladies are just too hilarious together.

Sooooo after proving to Joxer and Gabby that she is the real Xena by using the chakram, they decide to split up and try to find Diana and capture Meg.

Joxer is all, "How am I supposed to know who the real Diana is?" Xena responds with, "Well, if you come across a woman and she looks exactly like me and she displays any interest in you whatsoever as a man, that's the bad one." Bahahaha!

Then of course Joxer: "She is bad! (grins) Reeeeeal bad."

Oh you three.

Xena and Gabby concoct a plan which leads them to the place Diana is being held. They rescue her and run back to the castle! Where their baby has been kidnapped. Ah!

Gabrielle finds Meg and they get into a little cat fight and I can not tell you enough how much I love watching Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor rolling around on the floor together fighting.

They are SO FUNNY. Their chemistry just permeates everything they do. It's a beautiful thing.

So Gabby wins the fight and then Meg tells her life story and we get more sympathetic towards her. She's had a pretty rough life. Plus, like I've said, she's adorable.

Evil guys attack! Meg turns good! Kinda... she'll always be a little baaaaaad (as Joxer so astutely stated) but ultimately she's got a good heart.

More evil guys attack! Xena and Gabby save the day!

Diana gets her baby back, Meg gets a job offer from the king to be the official head cook (Aw), and our hilarious and adorable heroes walk off to fight another day.

Joxer stays behind to get it on with Meg. The end!

*Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture. Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing Aardvark nuggets for King Lias.*

BLARGLE!

I know it's been a few days, but once I get past this Week From Hell I will be able to catch up on a bunch of episodes! In the meantime, here's another random picture to keep you all at bay ;)

*Disclaimer: I have no idea where I originally got this picture. It's been on my desktop for ages. No one sue me!

Episode 29: Return of Callisto

Back by popular demand! CALLISTO!

So this episode marks the beginning of video commentaries on my box set special features. These happen at irregular intervals depending on how significant/awesome the episode is. I'm going to incorporate any fun commentary type things and entertaining screen caps right along with the regular episode. Enjoy!

Video Commentary by: Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor

So we start off with a jail where the guards are guffawing over their power trips and completely not paying attention to what they are doing. This is a mistake because Callisto is in one of their cells. OH SNAP! She takes advantage of their egos and manages to break out!

Before we get into what happens after she kills every single guard in very unsavory ways, let's focus on this get up they have her in.

As Lucy comments, "Very 'Silence of the Lambs', eh?" Indeed. By the by, her New Zealand accent is simply adorable.

Moving on! Guards are all dead. Callisto is free. We all know where she is going next.

Ok, this episode is so random in it's randomness. First, we have Perdicus show up out of nowhere. You know, that guy Gabby was betrothed to in her hometown. Then, not only has he literally appeared out of thin air, but he proposes to Gabby right off the bat! Um? WHAT? Impulsive much?

Gabby just looks shocked and then turns around to look at Xena who looks equally shocked and a little appalled.

They later have a little chat where Gabby tells Xena of course she is not going to marry Perdicus, but Xena steps in with her wisdom telling her she wants Gabby to be happy blah, blah, blah and so that if it's her holding her back then she has her blessing. BAH!

Meanwhile, in the video commentary, Lucy and Renee are just CRACKING themselves up during this scene. Here are some snippets.

Lucy: "You know, Gabby's well past her prime in terms of getting married."
Renee: "Move on buddy!"
Lucy: "She would have had four kids by now!"
Renee: "Yeah."
Lucy: "Oh, go on [Gabby]. Experiment!"

Now to the "EW" scene. Perdicus and Gabrielle are being wedded. Xena looks tragically jealous. Or as Lucy says, "Yeah, she's a bit jelly." Ha! "Jelly". So cute. Is that a New Zealand thing? It's adorable.So Gabrielle just said I Do and she and Xena have a little private chat about how they are going to miss each other. Then they KISS on the LIPS. Kind of, it's a very tiny peck. BUT STILL. They kiss.Now, it's a really touching and tender moment, and the first time our subtexty soul mates kiss for REAL. However, in the video commentary Lucy and Renee are just DYING with giggles and they are so cute and hilarious I just have to crack up instead of being all Awwwww about it.

Basically, neither of them have any recollection of this kiss. They are just so shocked as they are watching it and they start giggling like fools and Renee in particular is just like, "Wow! What the? I don't remember that!" and power blushing like crazy.

Lucy is all, "Xena slipped her the tongue! What's going on there? Xena's recruiting! (sarcastically) I can't imagine why people thought there was subtext in this."

Bahahahaha, that's some great stuff. Lucy and Renee are just utterly hilarious.

Ok, ok, back to the actual show. Both Gabby and Xena look a little down about this whole marriage thing. Then we have to have some gross scene about Perdicus and Gabby's honeymoon night. BLECH! Even Lucy and Renee are covering their eyes!

Lucy: "Oh, no! No. That's horrifying! I don't want to see that."
Renee: (covering her face) "No, no, no, no. Okay, come on. Let's go back to Xena and Joxer now."
Lucy: "This is painful to me."

See? No one wants to see that.

Luckily, the next morning Callisto saves us all from our agony by killing Perdicus. Yay! This might be one of the reasons I love Callisto. It's a definite possibility.

Gabrielle goes all revenge crazy and tries to force Xena to teach her how to use a sword so she can kill Callisto. Xena refuses at first but then gives her the basics because she can tell Gabby is going to do try and do this no matter what. Gabby starts talking about how she's going to cut Callisto open and watch her bleed. Basically, Gabby has gone a liiiittle psycho.

Sooooo she goes off to try and kill Callisto, and she fails miserably. Who saw that coming? Everyone? Yeah. So, Xena comes to save her and some plot things occur and eventually Gabby is saved and Xena and Callisto are engaged in a chariot race to the DEATH!

They wind up crashed into some quick sand. Callisto is all excited about the both of them dying and getting to spend eternity together. Always the optimist that one.

BUT HOLD UP! Xena is clever and gets herself out. Now Callisto is begging her to get her out too. Does she? NOPE. Xena watches Callisto die. WOAH. That's some heavy stuff right there, and it will definitely be coming back to bite her in the ass in some later episodes.

Gabby and Xena stare off into the sunset together as the screen fades to black. Perdicus will be pretty much forgotten in the next few episodes. Good riddance!

This episode is dedicated to Michelle Calvert who was Hudson Leick's stunt double. She died in a boating accident soon after completing this episode.

*Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her unmentionables.*